Episode #34:

Soul Healing Sundays: Owning Your Emotions to Love Your Partner More with Emily Stickler

Welcome back to the Soul Healing Sundays series, I have a super fun and interesting interview for you today! Certified Life Coach Emily Stickler joins us this week to talk about how her experiences with resentment in her relationship led her to do some serious self-development work, and how she uses those experiences to teach other women to get out of a negative headspace and improve their relationships for good.

We tend to think, feel, and react to things based on our inner rulebook, known as ‘The Manual’. This rulebook influences the way we expect others to behave and causes us to internalize stories that are not necessarily true. Often, we don’t even realize we’re doing it! But contrary to what we might think, we are in control of our thoughts and feelings, and it’s our responsibility to choose how we respond to things.

Tune in this week for a fascinating discussion about how owning our own emotions can help improve the relationships in our lives. We’ll share an exercise you can do to work with the stories you’re telling yourself and discover how we can stop causing our own pain once and for all. This episode is a fantastic chance to learn a skill that expands your capacity to love!

WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER

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Why the way you feel is your responsibility.

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How to love your partner more by owning your emotions.

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Why love and blame can’t share the same space.

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How to communicate effectively in your relationships.

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Why your thoughts are just a story you’re telling yourself and how to change them.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW

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Check out more episodes of the podcast here!

TRANSCRIPT

Susan Crockett: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa presents Soul Healing Sundays with Dr. Susan Crockett. You are listening to episode number 34: Owning Your Emotions to Love Your Partner More. An interview with fellow certified life coach, Emily Stickler. This episode is dedicated to two people. The first one is Emily’s husband, Max. And the second person is our teacher, Brooke Castillo for teaching us all about The Manual.

Female Announcer: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, where women learn to love their lives. Do you find yourself frustrated by society’s expectations? Looking for practical advice on how to discover your talents and level up your life? You’ve found the right place. Here’s your host, US News top doctor, robotic surgeon and Certified Life Coach, Dr. Susan Crockett.

Susan Crockett: Hello, my virtuosas and my virtuosas in training. I am your host, Dr. Susan Crockett; you can call me Sue on the podcast. And I am so excited that we have moved to Sundays now, so the podcast is evolving. This is actually the third Soul Healing Sundays that we’ve been doing. And we’ve got lots more that we are planning in the next six months for you guys. But this is a big step for us, so thank you for tuning in today.

I just got back from the beach. Yes, I went to the beach with my kiddos. So back story for those of you all that don’t know me is I have four amazing, all almost all grown children. My youngest is a senior in high school this year. And I was married to their dad for about 21 years; we were together about 25 years. And after we divorced, sometime after we divorced he passed away quite suddenly of a heart attack. So that’s been three years now.

And this was a really interesting trip to the beach because me and my kids and their dad have been going to the very same beach with the similar places to stay for about 25 years now. And I hadn’t been this year, the kids and I hadn’t been yet this year. We used to always go, big family vacation and all of that. So going to the beach this time, it’s always a place where my soul gets healed because it’s the beach and it’s just, that’s what the ocean and water in general do for me.

But it was really poignant this time because I sat on the beach in the beach chairs that he and I had bought way, way, way back at the beginning of our marriage. And they’ve been re-covered and I sat in the one, they’re kind of these old fashioned vintage sling type beach chairs. I sat in one and the other one was empty and I thought it’s okay, I have everything I need. I have my kids, they’re amazing. I had all these memories of our life on that beach, all the pictures that I took of the kids when they were little.

And as we were packing up to leave the last day, I looked over and there was a mom with two little kids and they were so adorable. These just beautiful little children ran around, the little girl had little curls just like my daughter had when she was little. And I almost wanted to go up to her and just say something to her about how they grow up so fast and enjoy them. And I didn’t, I respected their privacy and all of that.

But I just, I looked at my grown kids now and I’m like, I’m just so grateful for how you turned out and for you being here and just for all of the memories. And it was just a really interesting beautiful trip. So that’s been my world lately.

Let’s talk about today’s show. So we are interviewing one of our Virtuosa coaches today, her name is Emily Stickler, a very fun interview that we did. She actually is American but she lives in Holland. She married a Dutchman and so finding a time for us to do this interview was fascinating. I think we did it at 7:00am in the morning for me, which was afternoon for her.

And Emily does couples therapy. She helps women get out of their negative headspace, teaches them about owning their emotions and getting control over their thoughts, and feelings, and actions. And just gives them a whole lot of empowerment. So she’s going to tell you a little bit more about her back story. So why don’t we tune in now and welcome Emily to the show.
	
Susan Crockett: Hey Emily, how you doing?

Emily Stickler: I’m good. How are you?

Susan Crockett: Good. So, glad to have you on the show this week. Tell us what you’re going to talk about.

Emily Stickler: Yeah, okay. So I’m Emily. And today we’re talking all about how you can own your emotions, basically own your shit, so you can love your partner more. And I love talking about this because it’s changed my life. It’s completely changed my marriage. And I love to share it with anybody else who is in that same boat, which let’s face it, we all are.

Susan Crockett: We all are.

Emily Stickler: We all have relationship problems, so it’s a good one.

Susan Crockett: It’s so encouraging. Yeah, it’s going to be excellent. I don’t think we’ve had anything like this on the podcast before. So this is cool for our listeners. So why don’t we start by you telling us your story a little bit about how you came to coaching, because of course you’re one of our Virtuosa coaches. But all of us have our own stories about how we got here. And then I’m really curious to know how you got into this avenue of coaching, because it is a unique niche. Tell me a little bit about you.

Emily Stickler: Yeah. So I first heard of a life coach from actually Jen Sincero’s book, You Are a Badass, and I read on the back cover that she was a life coach. This is probably five or six years ago. And I thought what? What’s a life coach? Kind of super doubtful but also I thought that’s what I want to be. And then I just kind of dove more into self-help. I read her books. I found Abraham Hicks and I started binge listening to her which is all about the law of attraction and manifestation. And you can create any life you want.

And then I found Brooke Castillo who we both found obviously, the Life Coach School. And I binge listened to her podcast, binge listened to…

Susan Crockett: She has a bunch of them. She has over 300 now.

Emily Stickler: Thank God, because it changed my life. And so I was on this kind of self-help trajectory. And the common theme that I kept feeling I needed the most help with was my relationship, always, time and time again. And Abraham Hicks helped me a lot with that, but I still felt stuck. And I listened to Brooke, specifically episode number 11, The Manual, which is something I do with my clients all the time.

Susan Crockett: The Manual, yeah. Oh dear, really, is that where we’re going today?

Emily Stickler: That’s where we’re going today. We will definitely dive into that. Anyways, I binge listened to Brooke for about three months. And I signed up for her coach training in last April, the last, yeah, I guess it was last April. So I’ve been officially doing this, actually August marks my first year of officially being a paid coach. So I’ve been at it for a year and…

Susan Crockett: Wow. Congratulations.

Emily Stickler: Yeah, I’ve had a lot of success. And I coach women and I coach couples too.

Susan Crockett: Now, that’s unusual, that is, yeah, that’s brave. Do you find it challenging?

Emily Stickler: Yeah, sometimes, but I like it because it – I always say, “I learn from my clients just as much as they are learning from me.”

Susan Crockett: Absolutely, yeah.

Emily Stickler: It’s a constant reminder to work on my relationship. Every time I do a couple session, I just – the assignments I give them I want to take on, practice what you preach. We have to self-coach. And so it’s a great reminder. But I also can relate so much because I had so much – and my eyes water when I talk about this. I had so much resentment from my husband and it is a really – well, I don’t know why I’m emotional. It’s a really painful feeling to be so in love with somebody and feel resentment and hate towards them and I was there, and I’m not anymore.

Susan Crockett: Emily, that is so startling. When you look at the research on relationships there is this heavy body of research that says that once a person in a relationship, or a couple reaches that point of disdain, is the word that they use. That is the most predictive factor of divorce or separation of the relationship. So to hear that you went through that level of discordance and that you’ve flipped that around and that you teach other people how to do it, that’s incredible. That’s, I don’t even know what to call it, awesome isn’t even a word, because that’s beating the odds.

The odds say that if you reach that level of hate and disdain with your partner then it’s done, there’s – it’s hard to come back from.

Emily Stickler: Yeah. And I think because hate and resentment are such strong emotions, you feel stuck. You just feel stuck. But there is also such a huge part of you that knows there’s love too, and I wanted that. But I literally felt like there was no way. I mean – and this was before we were married. I still married him and I had been doing the work before we got married, thank God.

Susan Crockett: Wow. Wow.

Emily Stickler: But it really wasn’t until that I really felt super solid, and it was probably a year now. A year now, so we were, yeah, sorry, I’m trying to get my thoughts together really thinking about it.

But it is crazy to think, I mean I can vividly remember conversations with him when I was just telling him, “What are we doing? We are crazy.” I was almost in this like hysteria, I was laughing as I was saying it to him. I was like, “We don’t even like each other. We don’t even like each other, what are we doing? Why are we doing this? Why do you even want to be with me? Why would you even want? Why do I want to be with you? We always fight. It’s like we hate each other, Max. It is like we hate each other.”

And I was ranting to him, and this was over FaceTime because we were long distance. And I was in such like this – I was lost in my thoughts, ranting to him. And then I came to and I just looked at him and he’s staring at me with tears in his eyes. And I was just like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry.” I just went off and it was so painful for him to hear me say that to him. But now when I can think of that moment so vividly, vividly, and how much we both have grown together.

And how I’m actually in a spot in our relationship where I would never believe myself telling my past self, “Emily, I promise you, you’re going to live here in the perfect relationship,” and not that any relationship is perfect. But that I am in the perfect relationship for me, and that I am so happy and that I’m so confident, and so fulfilled. And have a wonderful communication, and wonderful growth, and no resentment. Yes, frustrations, yes, annoyances, of course, we’re still human.

Susan Crockett: But none of that disdain, hatred, resentment.

Emily Stickler: No.

Susan Crockett: That is an incredible turnaround. So tell me your secret. Tell me how you did that, because I’m sure it’s not because he changed into this totally different prince charming person, you’re not going to tell me that, right? You didn’t figure out how to change a man? I know everybody wants to know how we change and control somebody else, so tell me.

Emily Stickler: I know, I love that, I always tell my clients, “If I knew I’d tell you, because trust me, that is what I wanted to do.” No, he did not change. He didn’t change really.

Susan Crockett: But you did?

Emily Stickler: I did. And I don’t take full credit because we have both grown together. So in saying he hasn’t changed at all isn’t true, because we’ve both changed. But I truly believe, and I say this, I told him this the other day because I was talking to my client, my couple client, they asked me, “Does your husband do this work too that you’re giving us?” And I said, “No, he doesn’t. We talk openly about my coaching practice and everything.” But I told him the other day, I said, “I told this client I do take a lot of the credit.” So I was kind of smiling when I said that.

“I do take a lot of the credit for the success of our relationship, for the growth, for the improvement, the change in our relationship. But I also take a lot of the responsibility for the pain beforehand,” because I was causing that.

Susan Crockett: Wow. Wait, wait, wait, say that again, that was really – that was a powerful statement. So you take credit for the growth, for your side of it and for the relationship moving along. But you also take responsibility for the pain beforehand.

Emily Stickler: Before, absolutely. We cause our own pain.

Susan Crockett: That is radical ownership.

Emily Stickler: Yeah, it is. And it’s funny because I was looking at some of my old content on my Instagram earlier today in preparation for this. And I found a video I had done where I – and it was almost a year ago today, where I was being coached. And I remember exactly what I was being coached on, because it was my relationship, it was my marriage. It was still in this place of stuck-ness. And I said, “I just want to take full responsibility.” I don’t want to blame anyone, because when I blame him I’m stuck, I am trapped.

And it’s not him because every time I blame him I miss out on every opportunity to love him, and there’s so much.

Susan Crockett: Wait, wait, that’s like the perfect tweet. Every time, say that again, every time.

Emily Stickler: Every time I blame him, I miss out on an opportunity to love him.

Susan Crockett: Because they can’t sit in the same space, that’s amazing.

Emily Stickler: No, it’s so hard.

Susan Crockett: That’s so true.

Emily Stickler: Yeah.

Susan Crockett: Wow, okay, so how do you shift your mindset from the resentment and the hating to loving him? How do you make that choice once you realize that you can’t do both in the same space?

Emily Stickler: The very first and most important thing is to recognize that the way you’re feeling is your responsibility. And that’s a really hard thing to do because we so often are raised in our society, our culture and all over the world almost, that we are dependent upon our partners.

Susan Crockett: Or our circumstances, or what’s causing our...

Emily Stickler: Exactly. Something external from us.

Susan Crockett: But actually it’s how we own it within ourselves and how we choose to respond even in what seems to be negative circumstances or from our partners saying something that triggers us. We have all of those words about I got triggered and yeah.

Emily Stickler: Exactly, yeah. And that’s super important to those triggering moments, and this is something I work on with my clients all the time is it’s okay to feel whatever you’re feeling. You’re here right in couples coaching with me, with your partner who you love because you want to work on this. You want to improve this. So it’s absolutely important to express to your partner, “Hey, this triggers me,” but own it at the same time. And so we work on having those conversations which is really how I talk to my husband now.

I say, “When you said this, these are the thoughts that I had. And I own that that’s the way I thought about it, but I want you to hear me.”

Susan Crockett: Wow. Wow. That’s amazing.

Emily Stickler: Yeah, it’s helpful. But listen, it doesn’t always – sometimes we need to sleep on it and come back to it the next day. And this literally happened two weeks ago. I was really frustrated with him and we didn’t have the best talk through conversation in the moment and I slept on it. And the next day that’s when I was able to come to him and say, “Hey, I’m good now, I feel so much better. I know that I created this little story in my head but I just want to talk it out with you. So I’m not attacking, I just want you to hear me right now.” And he said, “Okay.”

And then I just said what I was saying, “I know these are my thoughts. I know it’s not a way that I want to think about you. But it is the automatic thought that came to my brain. I recognize it. I recognize that it’s unhealthy for our relationship but I would prefer if the next time something like this happens that you could do this, this and this if you feel comfortable doing that. I just want to be clear that you know what I prefer. And if it feels good for you then that’s great, if it doesn’t then I’ll deal with it.”

Susan Crockett: So that’s beautiful on a couple of levels I think. For the first one is when you slept on it overnight it helped you to be able to emotionally disconnect from the moment, right?

Emily Stickler: Exactly.

Susan Crockett: So that gave you that space to let the vibrations of the emotion settle down. But I also like how you illustrated how you talk with him because going back to The Manual, The Manual being the things that we have in our head. That is how we think people should act around us. We all have those. And what you did was not impose your manual on him but have a real clear discussion about your preferences and what happened and his effects.

Emily Stickler: Exactly.

Susan Crockett: And how he could change his behavior without either having a secret manual that he has to try to guess or without telling him he has to be some way. Can you talk a little bit more about that, The Manual and how you teach that with your clients?

Emily Stickler: Yeah. So basically The Manual and this is a concept I learned from Brooke Castillo and I think even in her – when I learned it from her, she got it from Byron Katie or Abraham or somebody. So it’s nothing new, but it was conceptualized in such a way where I really understood it through Brooke. And so I do this with my clients.

So essentially your manual is this rulebook that you have of how you believe other people should behave. And you have all these justifications for it. It makes perfect sense in your head. And when that person, so your husband, or your wife, or that’s basically we’re talking about here.

Susan Crockett: Your boss, your kids.

Emily Stickler: Yeah, anybody, your parents. When they don’t behave that way and it just seems so normal. Well, that’s what normal people do. Normal people close the door when they come into the house. Normal people chew with their mouth closed. It’s so reasonable. It’s so justifiable in your brain that when they don’t do it you’re angry. You’re annoyed. You think they’re inconsiderate. You make it mean they don’t love you, they don’t appreciate you, they’re not listening. They’re not attentive. They’re not affectionate.

All of those things I made mean about my husband. When he wouldn’t say this, when he wouldn’t do this, when all of these little things that added up to so much resentment. And that is the scary thing. You think it’s just him not taking the trash out. You think it’s him not being more present when you’re around your family. You think it’s him not texting you, “I love you, goodnight.” You think it’s him not making eye contact to you when you’re having a conversation. You think it’s when he didn’t hug you first thing when he gets home from work.

But it’s all those little things that you don’t address and you don’t speak about that become this huge void and can lead to this big ball of resentment in your relationship. And it is the little things that you must work through or else they will grow, and grow, and grow. And then here you have this huge rulebook that you don’t even realize is your rules that cause so much resentment and frustration in your relationship.

And so part of this work is why I say, “Own your shit, own your emotions. Own your emotions, take responsibility for how you’re feeling. Make very clear requests. Express your preferences, what you desire to have in your relationship and a way where your partner hears you. So you can’t yell it at him, you can’t do it in a fight.” Which is why a good night’s sleep helped me, you have to do it in a way where you all’s communication works the best.

And that’s something I work on too with my clients. No couple communicates the same way. So you have to trial and error, learn what works for you. And then once you’ve made those requests you have to release the expectation that they’re going to follow it because you’ve asked so nicely. Yeah, that’s the hardest part.

Susan Crockett: Emily, I have to what, release what?

Emily Stickler: I know, it’s so hard, especially when people, “But I asked you nicely, I was so sweet, I did this for you, I did that for you. And I asked so nicely and you still didn’t do it.” And then they’re frustrated all over again. And they’re not your puppet. They’re not your robot. And especially if you come up as a nag, which I was a total nag, I’ll admit it, I was a total nag. And that didn’t help.

Susan Crockett: No, it never works.

Emily Stickler: It doesn’t help, it never works. But we think, I have told him so many times, so many times. Yes, but how have you told him? That’s probably why it’s not working. Now my husband hears me. Now in the ways that I learned to communicate with him differently, those little things that used to bother me, so many of them, I either don’t notice anymore at all, or he’s changed. It’s a miracle.

Susan Crockett: It’s a miracle. But you released the expectation that he would. You quit fighting against it or pushing against it. And then just by you changing you, and how you approached him, he softened and changed too. The resistance was gone.

Emily Stickler: Right, right, yeah. And there’s still areas that we should meet and want to work on with each other. But I have this tool belt, this relationship tool belt that is so present in my life, that I know even if there’s a fight or a disagreement, I know we’re going to work through it so quickly.

Susan Crockett: It’s so powerful, it is so powerful.

Emily Stickler: Life changing.

Susan Crockett: Life changing, relationship changing. Well, Emily, I want to thank you so much for bringing this to the podcast today. I think this is amazing information for our listeners. If you want to kind of summarize, bottom line and maybe if you have some actionable things for our listeners to get started working on this in their own lives, what would you say about that?

Emily Stickler: Yeah. So I would say just think of that person you love in your life that you’re struggling with the most. And write down everything that you would like them to do that they’re not doing, because first you…

Susan Crockett: Write out your manual.

Emily Stickler: Right, write out your manual. You have to uncover it. You need to understand what it is that’s frustrating you so much.

Susan Crockett: Right, absolutely.

Emily Stickler: And then you have to ask yourself, how would I feel if they were doing all of these things, if they were doing – basically if they were like your little robot, puppy.

Susan Crockett: Puppet.

Emily Stickler: Yeah, puppet. How would you feel? And so some of the emotions that come out, I would feel loved, I would feel appreciated, I would feel paid attention to, everything else. So you take that handful of emotions and you ask yourself, if you felt appreciated by your husband or partner, loved and sexy, or heard, what type of thoughts would help you feel those emotions? What would you be thinking about him? And then you write all the things you basically want to think about your partner. And when you look at that, all of those thoughts are available to you right now.

Susan Crockett: Right. We can choose them now. That’s the power.

Emily Stickler: Right, exactly, our thoughts are our choice. But it’s really hard for people to get there if they can’t see that the thoughts they’re having now are a story. Because I would make little things mean that my husband was selfish and inconsiderate. And that was my opinion. And he’s not. He’s never been selfish and inconsiderate. But I really believed that for a good period of our relationship. And when I could recognize how painful a thought that was in this simple question, this doesn’t have to be true. It doesn’t have to be true that he’s selfish and only that’s your choice.

You keep saying it over and over in your head. And so little things like that and so much more, oh my gosh, I could tell you tons of exercises that I do with my clients around this.

Susan Crockett: That’s amazing, just that little bit about practicing, becoming aware. I mean I really believe that awareness is the first level of change or transformation on any level. So becoming aware or awake to your manual and what’s happening. And then processing through, realizing what are your thoughts what you have ownership of and then just that realization that what if it wasn’t that way. How do you let go of those poison thoughts and put in the thoughts that are how you want to create, so, right.

Emily Stickler: Right, right.

Susan Crockett: So where can people find you if they want to learn more of those tools that you have? Tell us, other than Virtuosa Coaching, because you’re one of our coaches, but tell us all your other places.

Emily Stickler: Yes. My business is called Emily Elizabeth Coaching. So my main platform where you can reach me is Instagram and that is at Emily Elizabeth Coaching. My Facebook is Emily Elizabeth Coaching. My podcast is Emily Elizabeth Coaching. The podcast will be changed; the title will be changing soon. But Emily Elizabeth Coaching is where you can find me.

Susan Crockett: Awesome. Perfect. Well, thank you so much for being with us today. I just hope you have a wonderful day and thank you for continuing this really important work that you’re doing in people’s lives and their relationships, and just incredible.

Emily Stickler: Thank you for having me, it was fun.

Susan Crockett: Bye.

Emily Stickler: Bye.
	
Alright, what I’ve shown you today, hopefully what you’ve learned is how to love your partner more by owning your own emotions. And this is a crazy awesome tool, skill, but once you learn it you can apply it to all kinds of things. You can love your boss more. You can love your children more. You can love anybody or anything more. This is really a skill that expands your capacity to love. So, thank you for tuning in today.

Let’s talk a little bit about what we’re listening to and reading because we always love doing that. I actually got to pick the music for today. It’s one of my favorite artists, David Gray. And I’m totally hooked on Babylon. And what’s the other one that I just love so much? Please Forgive Me, of course the live one from Hammerhead, that’s the best version of that song ever.

But the one that I recently found new, because I was listening on a Pandora station, is a fairly old song from 2009 or something that he wrote called Kathleen. And it is just the most beautiful song, and it’s just got a really relaxing, rippling, triplet motif to the keyboard and the lyrics are just pure poetry. And so anyway, if you get a chance, check that out. Let me know what you think.

Emily is reading How to Change Your Mind: What the New Science of Psychedelics Teaches us about Consciousness, Dying, Addiction, Depression and Transcendence, that’s by Michael Pollan.

And she’s listening to anything that Esther Hicks, sometimes known as Abraham Hicks, she’s listening to anything that she’s teaching. You can find her at abraham-hicks.com or on Spotify, YouTube, just tons and tons of content there.

And next week I’m doing an interview with Ceri Payne, and it’s a really cool talk, we are talking about priorities and intentional living, increasing your capacity. So are you ready to grow? That’s what we’re about, expanding our capacity, that is what we’re talking about next week with some great tips.

Okay my virtuosas, that’s it for today. Have a wonderful week. Love always, Sue. Bye.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this episode of Becoming Virtuosa. If you want to find out more, come check out virtuosacoaching.com. That’s virtuosa - with an A - coaching.com. See you next week.

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