Episode #59:

Self-Care: Building a Life You Don’t Have to Escape From with Brittney Lollis Tolar

What does it take to start building a life you don’t have to escape from? My guest this week is an addiction specialist, which may make you think of drugs and alcohol. But we can be addicted to anything we use as an escape from our lives, and any addiction can stop you from engaging fully and being present in your life.

Brittney Lollis Tolar is a licensed clinical social worker. She’s been working in mental health for 12 years now, starting in addiction treatment. She has her own private telehealth practice serving clients throughout Texas, and she has some amazing tools to help her clients creative lives they can be truly present for.

Tune in this week to discover the secrets to building a life you don’t have to escape from. Brittney is sharing why drugs and alcohol aren’t the problem, rather they’re the solution to a problem much deeper, and she’s sharing the work she does with her clients in addressing the root cause of why their life doesn’t look the way they want it to right now.

WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER

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What changes when you stop escaping and decide to face yourself and your life.

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How Brittney works with her clients on their addiction recovery.

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The changes in attitude toward mental health Brittney has noticed since the pandemic.

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How addiction works in your brain.

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Why addiction isn’t about chasing a high, but it’s the result of avoiding the lows.

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How to start building a life you don’t have to escape from.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW

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Brittney Lollis Tolar: LinkedIn | Instagram | Psychology Today | Therapy for Black Girls

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Anna Lembke, MD

TRANSCRIPT

Brittney Lollis Tolar: One thing that I would always say with my clients, because I'm a slogan type person, if I can get you to remember something…

Dr. Crockett: Oh, wait. Wait. Wait. We're gonna put this on the screen, y'all. Tell me tell me, Brittney.

Brittney: Drugs and alcohol aren't the problem. They're a solution to a problem much deeper.

Dr. Crockett: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, the podcast with Dr. Susan Crockett. You are listening to episode number 59, Self-Care: Creating a Life You Don't Need to Escape From, an interview with licensed clinical social worker and therapist, Britney Toller, LCSW. She specializes in trauma survivors, codependency and substance use.

Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, the podcast that encourages you to become your best virtuosa self. Each week Dr. Susan Crockett goes where the scalpel can't reach, exploring conversations about how to be, heal, love, give, grow, pray, and attune. For the first time ever, she's bringing the personal one on one teaching that she shares with individual patients to you on this broader platform. A weekly source of inspiration and encouragement designed to empower you.

By evolving ourselves as individuals. We influence and transform the world around us. Please help me welcome board certified OB-GYN specializing in minimally invasive GYN surgery, internationally in the top 1% of all GYN robotic surgeons, a certified life coach, and US News top doctor, your host Susan A. Crockett, MD.

Dr. Crockett: I have a really fun guest today. This is Brittney Tolar. She is a licensed clinical social worker. Brittney, why don’t you tell us a little bit about your background, and then I'm going to tell our audience about how we met.

Brittney: Hi, my name is Brittney Lollis Tolar. I'm a licensed clinical social worker. I've been working in the field of mental health for about 12 years now. I started in addiction treatment. I currently own my own private practice in Austin. Well, I'm mostly telehealth in the state of Texas. So I can see people all over say Texas. The name of my private practice is Breathe, Listen, Transition.

Dr. Crockett: Breathe.

Brittney: Listen, Transition, yes.

Dr. Crockett: Oh, I'm going to let that sink in for a minute. I like that a lot. So I actually met you through a very special person. Nick, your husband, is actually, y'all he's super important to me. We're going to give you all a behind the scenes tour coming up. We're getting ready to film that episode. Nick is the person who helped build out my studio. Yes, he's amazing. He refinished the furniture. He put the legs on the chair you're sitting on. He built this pegboard. Yeah, I'm indebted to him. He's quite amazing.

So Nick and I were talking about the show. It was actually about two years ago as he was helping me do this. He said, “You know who would be a good person to have on the show?” He's like, “My wife. She'd be amazing.” So now you're finally here. I'm so excited.

Brittney: Yes.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah. You've got a great background story about how you came to meet Nick, and how you became a social worker, and specifically how you got into addiction medicine. I'm excited for my audience to have a show about addiction, by the way. When I say addiction, I don't mean necessarily drugs and alcohol and all that, but it's anything that we use to buffer, distract us from our lives.

So it can be those things, but it could be porn or television or Facebook, social media, whatever it is that is causing you to not engage fully in your life and your presence. Did I say that right? Is that what you would say?

Brittney: Yes, that was beautiful. Absolutely.

Dr. Crockett: We'll tell us your story. Yeah.

Brittney: So I graduated with my undergrad degree. Couldn't find a job, as usual. So I was working at Olive Garden.

Dr. Crockett: Olive Garden.

Brittney: All of my stories start well, I was working at Olive Garden. So my mother who's also in the counseling field was working with active duty military and decided to go get her certification in addiction treatment. The supervision hours didn't work for her work schedule. So she told me or asked me if I'd be interested in it.

So I knew that I wanted to be a therapist. I knew I was working toward that. I knew addiction was part of mental health. So I went, got my supervision. That encouraged me to go back to school to get my master's in social work. So after graduating, I couldn't find a job that really filled my heart. So I networked, as we're told to do, and so I went on Facebook.

Dr. Crockett: You were the scroller though.

Brittney: So I reached out to a lady that I had met on a cruise like the year before.

Dr. Crockett: Oh, the year before.

Brittney: Yeah, just the year before. I was like hi Jen. I don't know if you remember me from the cruise last year.

Dr. Crockett: That's pretty bold.

Brittney: But I need a job. When you're desperate after grad school, you will call anybody. So Jen said, “I don't have anything open. But you know, I'm in Texas, right?” At the time, I was living in Georgia. So I said oh that’s fine. Never been to Texas, but I needed a job. So I sent her my resume. Then I went to church that Sunday, went to my Sunday school group. I was like y'all, I need a job. Y’all help me pray for this.

Monday, I got a message from Jen. She said, “I don't know who you're praying to, but one of my therapists just put in there notice.”

Dr. Crockett: No way.

Brittney: Yes. Yeah. She was like, “Can you be in Texas at the end of next week?” I was like absolutely. So I fly in, I do my interview, everything goes well. She notes that it's going to take a little bit for my license to transfer from Georgia to Texas. So she asked if I would mind working as a tech. So I was like that's not a problem. Help me understand the company a little better.

So she asked the manager at the time to come in and interview me. So in walks the manager. We meet, we talk for a little bit, everything goes well. Jen walks out, he walks out, and Jen walks back in. I look at her, and I said Jen, you're going to make me take home and white boy. Seven years later, seven years later I'm Mrs. Tolar.

Dr. Crockett: I love that. I love that so much. He's like this redheaded Irish.

Brittney: Redheaded, red beard, blue eye, just this big hunk of a man.

Dr. Crockett: Y’all are just adorable. I love that story. That's such a great story.

Brittney: Yes. He's also been such an inspiration because he too is in recovery. He's been in recovery for 12 years now.

Dr. Crockett: Amazing.

Brittney: It's just an honor to see what recovery can do in someone's life when they decide to stop numbing and face themselves and the beautiful life that they can have. I'm honored to get to witness that every day.

Dr. Crockett: I think that's really cool that in your relationship, you're seeing that long term play out. That's a very different emotional connection than. I mean, it's gratifying, of course, to see your patients and your clients achieve success. But to have that relationship with somebody, boy, that gives hope to everybody who's dealing with the stuff, and it's really cool.

So I want to give you a chance to kind of talk a little bit about how you counsel people. How when somebody comes in and they're really struggling. Or, actually, how do most people come to you? How do they find you, and why? What do they come in asking for or looking for?

Brittney: A lot of times clients reach out to me, they find me on Psychology Today and different websites that I'm on. Psychology Today, Therapy for Black Girls, or some of the websites that I'm on. But a lot of my clients find me because they are struggling with addiction. They are struggling with relationship issues. They are struggling to figure out their next move in life.

Many of the women particular that I work with are going through life transitions, whether it be motherhood, their kids are transitioning out of the home, divorce, all of those big life transitions. I think the pandemic really changed the conversation that we had nationwide around mental health. So we've seen a big influx in people reaching out and trying to figure out what can I do because what I've been doing, my coping skills aren't, working anymore.

Dr. Crockett: And they're seeking out new coping skills. That's really a silver lining, isn't it? That's been needed for a long time before the pandemic.

Brittney: Yeah.

Dr. Crockett: I think that's cool that you're seeing that as a result, and that people have that awareness and now the courage and the motivation to actually seek mental health. That's just wow. As a doctor, that's really cool to see that happening. We need mental health. Cool.

So I know you kind of have a way that you talk with people and kind of take them through the process of that's kind of your process for helping them deal with addiction. We're all familiar with all kinds of ways that we help people cope with addictions. There's the tried and true Alcoholics Anonymous, the 12 step plans. I'm not advocating one way of treating addiction or another in this program. This is whatever works for you is great. I think they're all ways of achieving sobriety and getting to the goal that you want to get to.

My background as a life coach, there are a lot of life coaches that coach on this topic too. It's more centered around mindfulness. I think that's a little bit more about, that's closer to what you teach also. But we got into some good conversations beforehand when we were eating about just how you take people through the process of figuring out how to handle their addictions. Tell us what you do.

Brittney: So regardless of what stage someone is in whenever they come to me, or regardless of what their issues are when they come, whatever the presenting factor is, I still treat it very similar. I give everyone very similar tools. One of the main things I give my clients is what I call a check in.

So we know that with addiction, a lot of times it is a coping mechanism because of something else that's going on. A lot of times we're reacting and responding to the story that we're telling ourselves about ourselves, about the situation, about the environment. Many times we're responding to old past traumas or old life events. This situation makes me feel the same way. Or that person looks the same way, or they remind me of this feeling.

Dr. Crockett: Those triggers.

Brittney: Those triggers, right.

Dr. Crockett: So it's less about like the getting high thing. So we think of drug addicts of always just seeking the high. I certainly think there is some of that, but I think the bigger picture is that less people are going for the high but they're rather trying to cope with the thoughts and the life circumstances and trying to get away from that.

Brittney: Absolutely. One thing that I would always say with my clients, because I'm a slogan type person, if I get you to remember something.

Dr. Crockett: We're going to put this on the screen, y'all. Tell me Brittney.

Brittney: Drugs and alcohol aren't the problem. They're a solution to a problem much deeper.

Dr. Crockett: Okay, that's going to have to be Instagram. That's going to have to be a whole post on, that's going to be one of our little quotes on Instagram. That's great. Say one more time.

Brittney: Drugs and alcohol aren't the problem. They're the solution to a problem much deeper.

Dr. Crockett: Wow, that's profound. I think that's really true. So how do you help your clients get to the deeper problem?

Brittney: So we look at the deeper problem. So you use the word trigger. I like to use the word activation, right? What gets activated? So we're trying to find curiosity, just pique curiosity around what's been activated. So I give my clients a quick little check in. So how does your body feel?

Our body tells us, that's number one. Our body tells us so much about what's going on. Many times our body responds before our mind has even been able to conceptualize what's happening right in front of us. So we check in with our body. How does our body feel? My stomach just dropped. My heart's pounding. My hands are sweaty, right? Or like, I'm so excited. I feel jittery. Just checking in with our body to know what's going on.

Dr. Crockett: Okay, let's practice that right now.

Brittney: Okay.

Dr. Crockett: Okay. Let's see, what is my body feeling? I'm feeling relaxed and calm and a little bit excited right now. Maybe a little bit of heaviness in my stomach, but not from an emotional standpoint. Probably from the food I ate earlier. How about you? How's your body feeling?

Brittney: I'm feeling some heaviness in my chest, feel my voice being a little shaky, my hands are a little clammy. So then we get curious about that. Right? So the next step is, what emotion is coming up for you.

Dr. Crockett: Number two, what emotion is coming up for me? Okay, I'm going to practice number two. Okay, satisfied and content and excitement for me. I think those are the emotions that are here. So there is just a little bit of like energy in my hands, but it's not sweaty, clammy nervous, nerves because I've been in his chair a minute, a few times. But I'm super excited about the conversation and just the work that we're doing, and our ability to reach the audience.

So as I'm sitting here and thinking about all of that like, this is fantastic for us to be able to sit here and have a conversation and reach the people that need to hear it. I think I'm a little overwhelmed by that. I'm getting a little teary. I think my body's changing as we’re talking. How about you?

Brittney: So the emotions that are coming up for me is definitely excited. This isn't necessarily an emotion but something that I've noticed as I tap into the emotion is I'm trying to stay out of self-judgment.

Dr. Crockett: Oh, yeah. Okay, that's important. Like remaining curious, the staying out of self-judgment. These are conversations that we've had with other guests on the show for different topics. I think the timing for having you here is really perfect. Nick had talked to me about you coming on the show as an early guest because I didn't have a guest list. Now you're in the 26th episode. I was talking to Starley about this as I was getting ready.

I said, the timing for you is just amazing because now I have the other guests and other conversations that have the similar talking points. You're just coming in and like putting it all together in the context of a really important topic. So it's fun for me to see how this is unfolding. So that was a little segue. Sorry, I got little sidetracked there. So your emotions, so your emotions around this right now are.

Brittney: Excitement. Nervousness. Then that idea of like staying out of judgment?

Dr. Crockett: Yeah, oh, that's where I was going with that. So the staying on a judgment thing and having self-compassion is one of the core fundamental things that we teach in the be category. So y'all who have been watching know that little seven colors up here are the seven seeds of the soul. This is our curriculum that we teach.

For those of you that are new to the show, I'm going to just tell you real quick. So the first one is be. That means how are you? How are you choosing to be in this world? How do you take care of yourself? What is your self-care, which is what this is today. Be, heal, which is healing the things that are broken, love, give, grow, pray, and attune.

So when we talk about this, having self-compassion and non-judgment, that's one of the ways that we choose to be with ourselves. So when you say you're having that emotion of nervousness and jittery and stuff, that's your emotion but then what you're doing with it is choosing non-judgement.

Brittney: Which kind of leads into step three, right? Which is getting curious about your thoughts. So ask yourself what am I thinking like? What am I thinking about? What's going on in my mind? What's the story that I'm telling myself? We always have a story. We're always creating a story about ourselves, about the situation, about other people, about how other people see us and what they're thinking, right? Other people's judgement of us.

So getting curious about the story. Because when we get curious about the story then we can do step four, which is respond authentically. How do we actually mindfully respond, right? So do I react to and respond out of my nerves, right? Do I respond out of reassurance and that self-compassion, right? So it's really about how do I want to respond now that I know what my body's doing, now I know what emotions have shown up for me. I know the story that I'm telling myself. Now I get to respond authentically and mindfully and in a way that feels true to me.

Dr. Crockett: Authentic to you. I love that. So that's the pause in between all of the stuff happening. Then just taking a quick, it can be like a millisecond even where you just have that ability to connect your higher level brain to your limbic system. We call it the lizard brain. When it's just like on autopilot, it's taking that pause and then making the decision about how do I want to deal with this moving forward?

Brittney: Absolutely.

Dr. Crockett: So when we talk about this in terms of addiction, I love the example of just sitting here talking about us processing through that as we're sitting here. But in the context of addiction, that pause is super important because that's the place at which you have an ability to choose how you want to act or respond instead of it just being the automatic, which our brains like. Our brains are lazy.

Brittney: They're lazy.

Dr. Crockett: They just want to do what they've always done. They want to drive to the grocery store and then them to work just like it does every day. That autopilot. So let's talk a little bit about dopamine and that response and how that plays into this whole process.

Brittney: So our bodies naturally make dopamine, right? It's our feel good chemicals. Dopamine, serotonin, norepinephrine, like all those good, all those neuro transmitters that get activated, right? So.

Dr. Crockett: So just a second, I want to clarify for my audience. So a neurotransmitter, just for those of y'all that are unsure about what that is, we all kind of know it has something to do with depression and joy and all of that.

So our neurons, or our nerve cells in the brain, in between the way that they communicate from one cell to the other is these little neurotransmitters, dopamine, serotonin, epinephrine, and others that sit in the fluid gap in between them, and they take the message from one neuron to the other. So super important. If you are dopamine depleted, then you have a hard time transmitting the electrical impulses or feeling.

Brittney: Absolutely.

Dr. Crockett: One of the major classes of antidepressants that's been around forever is serotonin reuptake inhibitors, right? So what that's doing is keeping the serotonin in the gap so it works. It keeps the nerve cells from picking it up and depleting that. So that's just a little bit of science background for you guys. Okay, keep going about what it's doing.

Brittney: Yeah, well, on that same, and I'm not going to nerd out too much. But in that synopsis of what's happening when someone is using substances, alcohol, heroin, marijuana. Once it's metabolized in the body and it's going to the brain, this is where that euphoria and the feel good happens. It mimics the shape of dopamine and serotonin, and it sits on the same receptors. So, but it feels heavier. It feels more euphoric.

Dr. Crockett: Okay.

Brittney: That's the addictive part.

Dr. Crockett: The brain starts to choose it.

Brittney: Absolutely. It prefers it. It feels better.

Dr. Crockett: So when it's not there, the brain is like what the heck? I'm not going to do anything.

Brittney: I'm going to make it. I'm not going to do anything. Give me that other stuff. We're talking about drugs and alcohol, but we see that in sugar. We see that in shopping. We see it in sex. We see it in so many other addictive behaviors.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah.

Brittney: So it's that euphoria. It's the chase have all of that. So when our body stops making it and then we move into a place of recovery, and the place of recovery is a place of healing. I want to bring in everyone in this piece.

So this isn't just for people that struggle with alcohol and drug addiction. This is for people who just get burned out in life. Because what happens in burnout is very similar to what happens in addiction in the overproduction of.

Dr. Crockett: Wow.

Brittney: Then your body just begins to shut down. It's like I'm not I'm not doing anything else. So with that depletion of dopamine, we search for things. That's what our natural human behavior tells us. I've got to search for something to make me feel better. Feel good or feel better.

Dr. Crockett: Or not hurt.

Brittney: Or not hurt.

Dr. Crockett: That's really profound. So when we talk about people stopping an addictive behavior and trying to reset that dopamine imbalance, it’s like a teeter totter that's just gone bonkers, right? So physiologically, we know from amazing studies done at Stanford by Dr. Lembke, she's the Dopamine Nation chick. We know that most addicts within 14 to 28 days of stopping their addictive behavior or substance, their dopamine neurotransmitters will start to make dopamine again and feel better and balance out.

I think a really important point that goes back to the four steps that you had is when people are making that choice to do that detox, that they have that pause where the thought that they put into the pause between steps three and four is what do I want to do that makes me happy or brings me joy that's not reaching for the substance, right? Once you start practicing that, then it's not about having to follow 12 rules or white knuckling the letting go of whatever the thing is. It's more like finding the joy in life.

Brittney: Finding joy, finding contentment, finding a reset. I mean, I think that's where the self-care piece comes in. Because now you're at a place where now you have to build and create a life that you don't want to escape from.

Dr. Crockett: That's all the whole title of our show. There you go. This is how you built a life that you don't have to escape from. This has been a really great episode. Thank you, Brittney, so much for being on the show and being such an amazing guest. I want to thank you guys for tuning in. If you found this helpful, please like and share it and tell everybody else to tune in. I look forward to seeing you next week. Have a great week. Bye guys. Take care.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Becoming Virtuosa. To learn more, come visit us at DrCrockett.com, or find us on YouTube for the Dr. Crockett Show. If you found this episode helpful or think it might help someone else, please like, subscribe, and share. This is how we grow together. Thanks, and I'll see you next week. Love always, Sue.

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