pisode 28 Rebuilding Your Life from Love after the Divorce with Jennifer Bogard

Episode #28:

Rebuilding Your Life from Love After the Divorce with Jennifer Bogard

Going through a divorce can be an extremely painful experience and it can be very difficult to navigate. It may feel overwhelming and never-ending, but the great news is that there is a way to make it feel more bearable. Divorce, by nature, is a neutral circumstance, meaning that it isn’t inherently good or bad, it just is. It is the meaning assigned to it by those who experience it which makes it emotive. Today’s guest joins me to tell us more.

Jennifer Bogard is a certified life coach who specializes in divorce coaching. Her mission is to help women heal their hearts so that they can do what they’re meant to do in life, and live contently whilst learning to love themselves. Jennifer joins me this week to share guidance and wisdom taken from her 3-month coaching program and show us how to deal with the various types of loss and separation we may face in our lives.

Tune in this week where we’ll discuss why we have the power to rewrite our own stories and position ourselves as heroes instead of victims. We’ll talk about how acceptance and forgiveness are crucial parts of the separation process – even when they feel impossible to do, and why time isn’t always a healer, but it’s what you do with it that counts. You can learn to rebuild your life from a place of love, and this episode will show you how!

WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER

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How to stop living at the mercy of your emotions and emotional triggers.

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Why your thoughts create your feelings which, in turn, drive your actions.

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The questions you should ask yourself to grow from negative experiences.

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Why acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with something.

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The importance of unconditional self-love.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW

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Check out more episodes of the podcast here!

TRANSCRIPT

Susan Crockett: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, the podcast, with Dr. Susan Crockett. You are listening to episode number 28: Rebuilding your Life from Love after the Divorce. An interview with fellow Certified Life Coach, Jennifer Bogard. This episode is dedicated to all of those suffering from loss and rebuilding after separation.

Female Announcer: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, where women learn to love their lives. Do you find yourself frustrated by society’s expectations? Looking for practical advice on how to discover your talents and level up your life? You’ve found the right place. Here’s your host, US News top doctor, robotic surgeon and Certified Life Coach, Dr. Susan Crockett.

Susan Crockett: Hello, my virtuosas. How are you today? I am your host, Sue, I actually have a more formal title, Dr. Susan Crockett, but on the podcast I’m Sue. And I am really excited to talk with you about today’s topic. That’s a big sigh. Did you hear the big sigh? So the topic today is about rebuilding your life from love after the divorce.

So as most of you know, I was divorced from the father of my kids back in – well, a long time ago, after 21 years of marriage. And then he passed away quite suddenly, three years ago tomorrow, it will be three days. So we are all, myself and my kids, we are all well acquainted with the practice of rebuilding our life out of love. And I think that that this is such an important thing. We’re going to talk a little bit about my experience in the podcast a little bit.

And I just wanted to say, if you are not somebody who has been through a divorce, I don’t want you to just turn the dial off, no, no, don’t touch it, don’t click it, because what Jennifer has to teach today and the skills that she has to teach are things that can help any of us through any kind of loss or separation. Maybe it wasn’t divorce for you, but maybe it was a breakup, or the loss of a friendship, or loss of a job, or something else like that. So any of those things could apply to what we’re teaching today.

And I think despite this seeming like a very heavy topic, I think you’re really going to enjoy it. We had a great time talking and Jennifer’s really, really talented in what she does. So here we go.

Susan Crockett: Hey Jennifer, how you doing?

Jennifer Bogard: Hi Sue. I’m fantastic. How are you doing today?

Susan Crockett: I’m great. I’m so glad to talk with you about this today.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, I am so excited.

Susan Crockett: I know. Where are you talking from?

Jennifer Bogard: I live in Franklin, Tennessee, which is a suburb of Nashville.

Susan Crockett: Sweet. I didn’t know you lived there, that’s really cool.
Jennifer Bogard: Yeah.

Susan Crockett: Yeah. Well, I’m in Texas, I’m near San Antonio, so I just love this modern technology that lets us do an interview like this.

Jennifer Bogard: I know. We are in the two music cities. Isn’t Austin also known for music a little bit?

Susan Crockett: Yes, totally awesome, I love Austin. Okay, so we’re going to talk about this idea about building a life from love after divorce or separation, split up, breakup. I think it’s applicable to all of those, but before we get into that, and by the way, I’m really impressed by your content, my listeners are just going to love this today. Even if you are not in the middle of a divorce, I think just what you have to talk about with any kind of separation or loss, I mean it could even be a job separation, or all of the stuff that we’re talking about today is just really rich.

So before we get into that tell us a little bit about you, how you came to coaching, let’s have a little of your background and then how did you get into this topic?

Jennifer Bogard: Awesome, thank you. So, I am a Certified Life Coach through the Life Coach School. And I got certified in 2018. I also have a master’s degree in training and development. So I feel like I have always been a teacher at heart. And coaching was kind of a natural extension of that.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, I can totally see that.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So for my career I worked for 15 years in human resources.

Susan Crockett: Wow.

Jennifer Bogard: And mostly in healthcare, and I loved working. I was very much fulfilled by working. But I reached a point after my second child was born where, you know, I’ve always been the type of person, kind of that perfectionist, if I couldn’t do it to a certain level then I didn’t want to do it at all. And after my son was born, he’s 11 now, but I really convinced myself of that lie, that I couldn’t have it all, that I wasn’t going to be able to have the great career and also to be there for my family.

And so I did make the decision when my son was about three to stay home. And I don’t want to look at that as a mistake, because that’s not the perspective I want to have, that’s the way my journey unfolded, but I can honestly say that I was miserable as a stay at home mom.

Susan Crockett: You know what, me too, I tried it for a year when my kids were little, and it was just terrible, I couldn’t, I had to find other stuff to do. And I love my kids, I love being a mom, but I couldn’t do it, so kudos to those who can. But I think that’s interesting that we have such similar backgrounds in that.

Jennifer Bogard: Yes. And so I actually did it for about three years. But the greatest gift was that during that time, because I am so kind of hardwired for community and progress, and organization, and all of these things, I ended up getting involved in a direct sales company. Was just basically something to do, but that was really a pivotal decision because through that, it was like a personal development company wrapped up in an essential oil business. That’s what we used to always say.

Susan Crockett: Interesting, yeah.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So, through that is where I was introduced to Brooke Castillo and The Life Coach School and several other mentors that I now follow.

Susan Crockett: So then you ended up not only learning but becoming certified like so many of us, we just – it’s what we love, yes.

Jennifer Bogard: Yes. Like we drink the Kool-Aid.

Susan Crockett: The Kool-Aid, I bumped into it I think.

Jennifer Bogard: I know. I feel like I’m bathing in the Kool-Aid. But I mean when I realized, I mean I’ve always also been a personal development junkie. But when I realized that this was actually something that you could do, that you could start to pull in this way and also earn a living doing it. I said, “Sign me up,” absolutely a 100%.

Susan Crockett: Yeah. So I think it’s interesting that the topic today is about healing after divorce, it’s part of what I was dealing with when I came to Brooke and ended up getting certified. And it was from my previous marriage, which just I had scars, I hadn’t figured out how to manage yet. So I wish I had had somebody like me to help me through then. I think the tools that you’ve learned and how you’ve put them into your program are just amazing. So tell me and our listeners a little bit about how you ended up becoming a divorce coach.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. Well, I really didn’t do it willingly, I have to be honest. I did not want to be a poster child for divorce.

Susan Crockett: And like hold this sign up.

Jennifer Bogard: I know, I know. And so I am a person of faith and I started just feeling these little whispers in my spirit that the Lord was leading me in this direction. But my background had been human resources; I totally had planned to work as a leadership coach. And I mean that was my plan all along, but then as I started getting into it, I just kept feeling these whispers in my spirit and I really resisted it. But I think that I just finally kind of, you know, I was like, I don’t want to talk about pain all the time.

But if I work with divorced people, I only want to talk about growth and moving on and all of those. And then felt like the Lord just said, “You can’t talk about divorce and not talk about the pain, you’ve got to go there.” So anyway I ended up just giving into the call and I have to say that it has been the very best journey. My heart is so full and big and I’m so – I just have such a heart for this mission of helping women to heal their heart, so that they can go on and do the things that they are created to do.

Susan Crockett: Right, yeah, it’s so cool. Okay, so tell me a little bit about your program, where do we start?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, so like I said, my mission is to help women to heal their heart and to stop living at the mercy of their emotions and their emotional triggers.

Susan Crockett: Because we’re really great at that, we think it’s just a thing, right?

Jennifer Bogard: I know, we think that’s normal.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, I feel a thing and so there it is and I get triggered by this or triggered by that and we have no say in it, because our emotions just come out, and we’re so good at that, so awesome.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. I just did a webinar on riding the waves of your emotions and I feel like that’s what it feels like. It’s like forces outside of us, right?

Susan Crockett: Yeah, right.

Jennifer Bogard: And that they just overtake us and so we end up living in this reactive mode. And that’s the living at the mercy of your emotions is when you’re just constantly reacting. And you can be going about your day and then you have a conversation, or you see a social media post, or maybe it’s just traffic. And then all of a sudden, you’re hijacked, and you’re just off to the races. And I mean of course we’ve all been there. But I think to not live in that place and to have these tools where you know what to do to get a handle on your emotions.

Susan Crockett: So you’ve got some really specific tools that you’ve built into your program, can you give us kind of an overview of the program and what you teach?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So it’s a three month program. And so the very first month we just really work on the foundation which is just the awareness of – I like to call it the thought, feeling, action, connection.

Susan Crockett: Wait. What was that again, the thought, feeling?

Jennifer Bogard: The thought, feeling, action, connection.

Susan Crockett: Feeling, action, connection. You know what; our listeners have heard that before, that’s the middle part of the CTFAR model, right?

Jennifer Bogard: Exactly, exactly.

Susan Crockett: So you start right there, okay.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So we really just start with that foundational knowledge, because I don’t know, I mean I know your listeners are advanced because they’re listening to you. But I think the average person doesn’t really understand that their feelings are not a result of their circumstances. We’re conditioned to believe that we feel the way that we do because of our circumstances. And then when you start to realize that, wait, it’s actually because of my thoughts, and I have some control over that, you start to take back your power.

Susan Crockett: That’s the key thing. So I think even for my listeners that are well versed in this, even me, I needed to be reminded of that because my default sometimes is to see something like you said, on social media, have an interaction and to go straight into reaction mode.

And I’ve been doing this, I mean I would consider myself pretty advanced in this whole thought model thing, and I still need to hear it. And maybe there are some listeners listening to this who are new to it. So I think this is important to sit back and talk about, so important point. Okay, so the first month is awareness?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. And so the thought, feeling, action, connection, so we spend some time there, and again, just to reiterate that, it’s the fact that your thoughts create your feelings. And your feelings are really the fuel that drive all of your actions.

Susan Crockett: Awesome.

Jennifer Bogard: So to me that thought, feeling, action, connection is like the secret to the universe, right?

Susan Crockett: It is. It really is.

Jennifer Bogard: Understanding that is so powerful. And I mean I feel like most people when they start to first get that, like their mind is blown.

Susan Crockett: You know what, I felt like that and this isn’t something that’s new, this has been around a long time, but we’re not really taught it so straight up, right?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, exactly.

Susan Crockett: And then the other thing is, and I know you’re a woman of faith; we have similar Christian backgrounds, so I’m just going to bring this up. It’s not only in our Christian faith and the New Testament, biblical. But even going back into Old Testament Torah and other faith structures, this idea of taking captive your thoughts or having your thoughts, you know, all the prayer life that people go through no matter what their faith is.

Or if they even don’t have a religion at all, there may be meditation that paying attention to your thoughts and then knowing that those thoughts help control your feeling and your actions in your body. This is not something that’s woo woo, hocus pocus, this is deeply embedded in the human condition. And every psychiatric, psychological and religious foundation that I’ve ever seen, you know, I think I’d challenge my listeners to come up with one where there wasn’t some thought based work going on.

So to be able to structure it in this way where it’s so understandable and so practical, this is beautiful. And to take a month, you take a month and practice this with your people doing your program, that’s powerful stuff.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. Well, that first month is really just getting into that practice, because if you are new to that, then it is a practice and it’s so different.

Susan Crockett: It is.

Jennifer Bogard: You have to constantly remind yourself. And then the other piece of that, within that first month is this idea of your circumstances being neutral, like not being inherently good and not being inherently bad. And that the only meaning that’s assigned to people and situations and things, is the meanings that we give it.

Susan Crockett: Exactly.

Jennifer Bogard: And that too is like mind blowing.

Susan Crockett: Mind blowing. Divorce is a really good example of that because we tend to assign divorce is bad, or divorce is good. But divorce is just a very neutral, two things are separated, neither good nor bad, it’s a circumstance that happens. And then our thoughts around that are what create all the rest.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, it’s separating the stories from the facts. And usually the example that I use to illustrate is that you can have something like divorce as the circumstance. And two people might have completely different thoughts, or opinions, or judgments about it, which shows that it’s not inherently good or inherently bad. It’s dependent upon the individual’s perspective.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, so fascinating.

Jennifer Bogard: And the thing that I – I feel like sometimes people are so – as a life coach you think this is all just rah rah, just think positive all the time. Because I do work with people who are in such immense pain, that I really try to convey that this is not about just thinking positive thoughts all the time. That this is really about seeing the neutrality in the circumstance and then recognizing that you get to decide where to place your focus, and that’s all it is.

Susan Crockett: So powerful, it is so – it is everything. It is everything.

Jennifer Bogard: It is.

Susan Crockett: Okay, so month one is awareness, tell us about month two then.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So month two I feel like is such a powerful month. And this is where we get into rewriting your story. And that is really a huge part of healing, the first thing, we focus on two big kind of checkboxes, is just acceptance, accepting reality.

Susan Crockett: So not fighting about that shouldn’t have happened, I should have done this, or they should have been that way, or letting go of that and just be like it just is what it is, these things happened and not arguing? Yeah, I’ve done a lot of that.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. I mean every time we argue with reality, we lose, and dropping all the shoulds, every time, 100% of the time, and again, and recognizing that acceptance doesn’t mean that I like it or that I agree with it. But just that you can recognize and embrace that this happened, that this is what it is. And I think so often we get so caught up in the injustice of the situation and so again, seeing that neutrality in it that this happened and it is what it is.

And then from there, forgiveness, and I think that that can be such a hard thing for some women to move forward into that place of forgiveness. And sometimes it’s just as simple as forgiving yourself, but also to move into really a place of forgiving your ex.

Susan Crockett: It’s so hard sometimes.

Jennifer Bogard: I know.

Susan Crockett: It took me so long to figure that out from my first marriage, I just was so victimized and so hurt. And I think the scenario was we had to create something really disastrous to feel like we validated the divorce, because, well, just because of all the things. And so the fallout of that though, the fallout though, was that having to let go of that and just have forgiveness, and compassion, and see the other person’s point of view, took me a really long time.

I wish I’d had your program; it would have been nice to have it done in three months, because it took me a long, long time.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. Well, and I think that the thing with forgiveness is we always think about it, I hear so often, “He doesn’t deserve that.” And it’s like to really understand that, forgiveness is not for him, it’s for you.

Susan Crockett: No, absolutely, yeah.

Jennifer Bogard: It is 100% for – it’s self-serving, it is for you.

Susan Crockett: Absolutely.

Jennifer Bogard: I heard Oprah say a long time ago about forgiveness. She said, “It’s like drinking poison every day and wishing someone else would die.” And I think about that all the time. When we are in un-forgiveness we are like drinking poison every day. So it’s not about them, it’s about you and really just deciding, making a conscious decision that he doesn’t owe me anything. And I’m letting him off the hook, because he can’t repay you anyway, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t.

And so it’s like to forgive is to move into acceptance and just release, to unhook from the drama that’s spinning.

Susan Crockett: Tell me about how that applies to rewriting the story because you don’t mean to rewrite the facts because the facts happened.

Jennifer Bogard: No, exactly. And that’s actually – I’m glad you said that because that’s a big part of it, is separating the facts from the story. And to go through and just write your story just normally as you would normally tell it. And then pull out the facts from…

Susan Crockett: Okay, wait, wait, I want to stop for a second because I want our listeners, I want to challenge you to take out a piece of paper here if you’re listening on the podcast. Take a second, pause, now, come right back, don’t go too far. But I want you to get a piece of paper out and actually go through this with us; this will be so powerful for you. So write out your story, take a couple of minutes and then come back, so then when they have their story, tell them what they’re going to do with that.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So once you have your story then to actually just go through and circle what are the facts in your story. And so a fact is something that everyone in the world would agree on.

Susan Crockett: Like the sky is blue?

Jennifer Bogard: I mean maybe the sky is blue, I don’t know if everyone would agree on that necessarily. But like the freezing temperature is 32 degrees, things like that. My bank account has x number of dollars, that’s a fact. And so I mean just things that there is no variance, or opinion, or judgment, it is a fact. And I think when most people do that they realize there’s very few facts.

Susan Crockett: Right. So you might have some things like this happened or he said blank, or I said blank, but beyond that almost everything else you’re going to see in the story is your thoughts about all of them?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. And I like to say that it’s your stories around the facts, like it’s the stories that you’re telling yourself around the facts. And what I find is when people just kind of naturally write their story the first time; it’s usually from the victim lens. It’s very focused on the injustice that has occurred, the hurt, the pain, the suffering that’s occurred. And so I call that the victim lens. And so you have made yourself in that situation the victim in your own story. You’re his victim in your own story. And so we rewrite that to become the hero in your story.

Susan Crockett: So we’re doing this for us, we’re not saying that bad things didn’t happen. We actually may have been victims. Some women who go through separations or divorce actually may have been victims of sexual assault, or abuse, or violence. So we’re not saying that those things didn’t happen, it just means they don’t have to sit in that mode of suffering from that.

Jennifer Bogard: Yes. And so that’s a great point. And so when we rewrite our story, so the way that we rewrite our story is – I mean in order to even jog your brain into thinking in a different direction you have to ask yourself some powerful questions.

Susan Crockett: Questions, okay, write these down?

Jennifer Bogard: So write these down.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, okay.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So a big question that I like to start with is how did this happen for me? How could this have happened for me? And that’s a big one, that’s huge because I think your brain first is like no, no, it didn’t.

Susan Crockett: It happened to me, right?

Jennifer Bogard: It happened to me, exactly, but to shift your thinking. And here’s the thing about your brain, is that your brain is an evidence collector. So when you ask it a question like that, it’s going to shoot back, “I don’t know,” because it’s hard and your brain likes things to be easy.

Susan Crockett: Your brain is the evidence collector, that’s awesome, that’s a tweet.

Jennifer Bogard: It’s an evidence collector.

Susan Crockett: That’s a tweet, Jennifer. So you’re asking it to look for evidence of something that it’s not used to doing. Okay, so then again the question, well, how is this happening for me?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So how did this happen for me? How could this have happened for me? What would not – another question is what would not have happened if not for this?

Susan Crockett: Interesting. Like if my storyline had continued on and the divorce hadn’t happened, what would I not have had in my life now?

Jennifer Bogard: Like very often people will come into your life as part of this whole divorce thing who end up being like your lifelong friend or whatever the situation may be. But it’s like I wouldn’t have met this person or this other thing wouldn’t have happened had I not been going through this divorce or things like that. What did this make possible?

Susan Crockett: I love that one, what did this make possible. So one thing that I have always been taught by my mentors and from multiple places when it comes to business in particular is when something doesn’t happen right, or sometimes we have an employee that doesn’t work out right. What I have learned is that letting go of what’s not working right makes an opening for what’s supposed to come in for what’s better to come in.

And if you’re always hanging on to what’s not working right and trying to fix that, I’m not saying that things aren’t worth trying to fix. But if you aren’t willing to let go of what’s not working you’d never get the opportunity for what could be working or what is meant to be for better.

Jennifer Bogard: Absolutely, absolutely. And so that’s something that that question, what does this make possible, opens up. What can I be grateful for as a result of this experience? All of those questions. And so when you start asking yourself those hard questions, and they are hard questions, let’s be honest. But keep asking because again your brain wants things to be easy, it’s not going to make it easy for you, but keep asking.

Susan Crockett: And the victim story is hard to let go of. So a lot of times we just want to hang on to that because it’s like our wubby, it’s like our security blanket, this is my story. And jogging your brain to think about letting go of that, maybe I can let that security blanket lay down on the bed. I don’t have to get rid of it; I can just let it lay down.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, that’s a good way to look at it.

Susan Crockett: So that I have the opportunity to heal.

Jennifer Bogard: Because the truth is that both of those stories are going to be true. There’s going to be some element of truth in the victim story and the hero story. The whole idea is to recognize that you have the power to choose where you want to place your focus.

Susan Crockett: That’s awesome. Okay, so the second month is about rewriting your story and acceptance and forgiveness. Tell me about how that moves into month three in your program.

Jennifer Bogard: Yes. And so then month three is where we really start getting into the foundation of love. So the program is rebuilding your life from love. And so that is really a foundation of self-love.

Susan Crockett: It starts with self-love.

Jennifer Bogard: Yes. And that again is so powerful. When you can really fall radically in love with yourself and to decide on purpose that your worth and your lovability are 100% intact. Because you have decided that it’s so, it does not depend upon anyone else’s opinion.

Susan Crockett: What they think is none of my business.

Jennifer Bogard: I love that, none, yeah; it’s none of your business.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, it’s none, yeah. What I think about myself and having my own back, and loving myself, and understanding from a spiritual perspective, really that you’re loved because you are, not for any other reason, it just is, right?

Jennifer Bogard: Yes, it just is, it’s just a 100% from the time that you’re born, no matter what you do, and no matter what you don’t do, and just deciding to believe that. And I think that can be, again that’s a hard thing for some people to do. But it’s so important because again that is your foundation that you’re standing on.

Susan Crockett: And from there, you can build the best version of yourself, your virtuosa self.

Jennifer Bogard: You can build the best version, exactly, the virtuosa self. And so I think sometimes people get, self-love is such a big and broad idea and it gets confused sometimes with self-care. And we’re not talking about mannies and peddies and bubble baths. All of that stuff can be part of self-love, but it is not in and of itself. Those things can be part of self-love if they are coming from the intention of self-love.

Susan Crockett: I see it, but they are not it?

Jennifer Bogard: They’re not it in and of themselves.

Susan Crockett: They are the results of it.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, that’s exactly right; it is all about the intention. But I always say that self-love is really about just building practices and rhythms into your life, but taking good care of yourself, your mind, your body, and your spirit, yes. And so just some real actionable things is like taking care of your body, getting enough sleep, paying attention to how does this food make me feel, versus that food. And eating more of the foods that make us feel good, moving our body, drinking our water.

I mean just the basic things, like taking care of our body, when you take care of your body; your body takes care of you. And then taking care of your mind, journaling, practicing gratitude, oh my goodness, Sue, I feel like we could talk all day about that, but that is so powerful.

Susan Crockett: We could do a podcast in and of itself on gratitude, that’s a great idea because I think you and I both could. Yeah, I’m writing it down, that’s going to be number two for you.

Jennifer Bogard: I think meditation is another really powerful tool to just quiet your mind because all of us know when we’re going through any type of struggle, I mean and divorce obviously is a huge one. But any type of struggle, your mind is just chattering all the time.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, and it needs rest.

Jennifer Bogard: Yes, and it just needs rest. And I think sometimes people feel like they’re doing meditation wrong because their mind is still chattering. But just take that your mind is still going to think thoughts, but just practice letting them go so that you can just quiet your mind a little bit.

Susan Crockett: And get a little peace.

Jennifer Bogard: A little peace, yeah. And then I think too to just have your own back, only speak kind words to yourself. That’s another really important one, is just nurturing.

Susan Crockett: Because we are so hard on ourselves, oh my gosh, right?

Jennifer Bogard: Oh my gosh, yes.

Susan Crockett: So be kind to yourself. You know what I’ve been practicing is in the moment, what is the best thing I can do for myself right now.

Jennifer Bogard: I love that.

Susan Crockett: That is the kindest thing I can do for myself right now, because we think about that for other people very naturally but in learning to restructure some of my habits, that’s one of the really powerful thoughts that I’ve had.

Jennifer Bogard: I love that one, Sue. And then I think, I mean, again, for me is just again, I’m a person of faith, so just praying, staying connected to my Bible or for other spirit enriching content, but just things that you can do that are just nurturing your spirit, whatever that looks like for you.

Susan Crockett: It’s so important, so important.

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. But it’s just those small intentional acts to take good care of ourself. I always say, “Be a good partner to yourself.”

Susan Crockett: Oh my gosh.

Jennifer Bogard: So that whenever – so when someone else comes along, they’ve got tough competition, because I’m the best partner to me.

Susan Crockett: I love that idea. I love that idea, I’m the best partner to me, very cool. Okay, so give me a summary, what’s the take home point? Bring it on home, Jennifer?

Jennifer Bogard: Oh my goodness. I think the most important thing; I mean there’s so many things that I could say, Sue. But the thing that I just want to leave the listeners with is that time is not a healer.

Susan Crockett: Really?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah, I know, I know. We wish that, you know, I hear so often, I always say, “If I just had a dollar for every time I’ve heard it just takes time.” And I mean I get that to a degree, but time’s not doing the healing, it’s what you do with the time.

Susan Crockett: Exactly, right.

Jennifer Bogard: And for example, this program is three months and I mean this isn’t a pitch for the program, but it’s a three month program. Well, I mean three months is going to pass, it’s going to come and go regardless of what you do with it. But what is going to be the difference between if you are doing this intentional work to heal your heart, and stop living at the mercy of your emotions, versus if you’re not and you’re just living on auto-pilot?

Susan Crockett: You know what, that’s so true, I am a living testament to this. So I went through, I don’t know how many, at least five years of pain for my first divorce before I found Brooke, five or – I can’t remember how many, six. But really carried that, it was a long time, and I carried it and I tried to do work on it, I thought I was doing work on it. And then when I found these tools and how to change the way I think about things, and these tools like rewriting your story and stuff. It took me a couple of months of practice.

But it wasn’t the whole time period that healed my heart, it was what I did in figuring out where my brain was and how to have my own back and think through it that mattered. And that was a very short period at the end of the healing cycle. So I love that you have this resource for women. I think this is a super important – I want to say ministry, because it feels like that to me as I hear you talk. But I want to emphasize that this is not necessarily religiously based or it’s not a Christian thing. But this is such an important service to women who are going through divorce.

I really want to thank you for coming on the podcast today, been so much fun, so much good content.

Jennifer Bogard: I have loved it. And can I just say one more thing? I just feel like I have to say, I feel compelled. I just want to just say that you can really use the pain and the struggle that you’re going through as an invitation to become the very best version of yourself, not in spite of your divorce or the pain, but because of it.

Susan Crockett: Because of it. How many of us think that way though? How many of us think I’m going to suffer and go through this and not dig a ditch, not be in that sorry, sad like eat everything, sit on the couch, ditch? How many of us really think this is an opportunity to propel me forward into the next better version of myself? I think when you start thinking about that, everything changes, becomes opportunity.

Jennifer Bogard: It’s definitely a mind shift, exactly.

Susan Crockett: So I can tell you, you blew my mind today, Jennifer.

Jennifer Bogard: I love it.

Susan Crockett: Okay, so where can people find your program other than through the new virtuosacoaching.com site? Because you’re one of our coaches there, but tell our listeners how else they can find you?

Jennifer Bogard: Yeah. So I’m at jenniferbogard.com and also on the socials, Facebook and Instagram at Jennifer Bogard Coaching.

Susan Crockett: Alright. And we’ll make sure we put those in the show notes and thank you again so much, you guys, thanks for listening, thanks Jennifer, bye.

Jennifer Bogard: Thank you. Bye bye.

Alright, so what we have shown you today, we have shown you how to start from a place of love to rebuild your life after a divorce or after some other similar loss. And I think this take home that Jennifer hit on at the end that it’s not time that’s the healer, but it is what you do with that time and how you work on how you think and want to build your life and where you do that from that is the key point. I can tell you that from my experience. And I was so grateful to find her teaching that because it’s so helpful for healing your broken heart.

So now we get to the part about what we’re listening to and reading. So today we are listening to Taylor Swift’s new album, Folklore. Folklore was just released and Jennifer’s a big Taylor Swift fan, so that’s what she’s listening to this week.

And she’s reading Return to Love by Marianne Williamson and Glennon Doyle’s Untamed, which as you know are favorites on this podcast.

As far as what she’s watching on Netflix, she’s watching Single Wives which is a really interesting series on Netflix about women who have previously been married, some of them divorced, one of them widowed, and about them getting back into the dating game, so very fascinating. I hope you enjoy.

Next week we’re going to have Penny Gamble talk about how to allow urges. Okay, love draws a bigger circle, my friends. Okay my virtuosas, have a wonderful week. Love always, Sue. And I will see you next week in episode number 29.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this episode of Becoming Virtuosa. If you want to find out more, come check out virtuosacoaching.com. That’s virtuosa - with an A - coaching.com. See you next week.

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