Episode #46:

Dating Over 50 with Anthony Terry

What are the challenges of dating after age 50? What is it about dating apps that makes dating seem even more difficult? What are the red flags that men over the age of 50 are looking out for? How do we find love in a dating pool that is constantly getting smaller? These are just some of the questions my guest and I are addressing on today’s show.

Giving us the male perspective on dating over the age of 50 is the wonderful Anthony Terry. Anthony is my other First Surgical Assist, and is usually running around after me behind the scenes. But today, he’s giving me an insight into a side of the dating story that most of us would never be able to comprehend, until now.

Tune in this week to hear from a red-blooded Texan navigating the challenges of modern dating. We dive deeper into the reality of using dating apps and getting to know someone over text and Anthony shares why he often feels misunderstood by women, why he just wants to be needed, and the difference between being a happy independent person versus not needing somebody.

WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER

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What Anthony believes men over the age of 50 are looking for in the dating pool.

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Why Anthony despises what he describes as the ‘interview process’ on dating apps.

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The problem with trying to create an emotional connection in a text-based conversation.

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How the rules and norms of dating have been rewritten since we were growing up.

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My own experience of being happy while single but still enjoying the idea of a relationship.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW

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Anthony Terry: LinkedIn

TRANSCRIPT

Dr. Crockett: Well, that really makes dating difficult, especially after 50.

Anthony: It's horrible. I mean, I call it the interview process.

Dr. Crockett: Oh, that's a little sterile, don’t you think?

Anthony: But it is sterile. Isn't it sterile? You get on these apps, you start talking to one another. You start how are you? What's your story? Blah, blah, blah. It's like you're interviewing for a job. It really is, and I call it the interview process.

Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, the podcast. I’m your host Dr. Susan Crockett. You are listening to episode number 46, Dating Over 50, this is an interview with an expert on this topic, military veteran, divorcee and first surgical assist, Anthony Terry.

Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, the podcast that encourages you to become your best virtuosa self. Each week Dr. Susan Crockett goes where the scalpel can't reach, exploring conversations about how to be, heal, love, give, grow, pray, and attune. For the first time ever, she's bringing the personal one on one teaching that she shares with individual patients to you on this broader platform. A weekly source of inspiration and encouragement designed to empower you.

By evolving ourselves as individuals. We influence and transform the world around us. Please help me welcome board certified OB-GYN specializing in minimally invasive GYN surgery, internationally in the top 1% of all GYN robotic surgeons, a certified life coach, and US News top doctor, your host Susan A. Crockett, MD.

Dr. Crockett: I am here with my amazing guest Anthony Terry today.

Anthony: Thank you ma'am.

Dr. Crockett: You're welcome. I'm excited to have you here because we don't always get the male perspective.

Anthony: That's what I'm here for. I've got the equipment.

Dr. Crockett: I'm sure you do. Is this how this is going to go?

Anthony: Yes ma’am. Absolutely. You know it is. This is me and you talking. You know this is the way it’s going to be.

Dr. Crockett: This is hilarious. Why don't you tell us and our listeners a little bit about your background? Because I know you as my other first surgical assist. You work in the hospital that I work at, but you've got a pretty extensive military background too.

Anthony: Yes, ma'am. I was in the military for about 12 years. I was a medic, and then I went to the surgical tech school and got out. Went to work at hospitals in San Angelo. That's where I'm originally from. I was married back then, not anymore. Hence the dating after 50.

Dr. Crockett: Dating after 50.

Anthony: So we moved here. I worked for the hospital for about another five years. Went to first assistant school, worked independently for, what, 12 years with one doctor. You know him. Just recently went back to work for the hospital again.

Dr. Crockett: Interesting. So which branch of the military were you in?

Anthony: Army.

Dr. Crockett: You were in army. That's cool. Yeah, I used to be an army wife a long, long time ago.

Anthony: Kudos to you. Thank you for your service.

Dr. Crockett: You're welcome. Don’t you love it when people say that to you?

Anthony: I never know what to say because we didn't do it for recognition. So I never know what to say. Everybody says just say thank you. So I mean, it's thank you. It's kind of uncomfortable.

Dr. Crockett: It is a little uncomfortable, isn't it?

Anthony: I don’t know if people realize that or not. It's a little uncomfortable.

Dr. Crockett: I think it's just their way of kind of saluting you without, as non-military people, civilians just looking awkward. Yeah, it's a respect thing.

Anthony: It is what it is.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah. All right. So dating after 50. The idea for this actually came up when we were in the operating room working together one day.

Anthony: Joking and laughing.

Dr. Crockett: Joking and laughing around. I was telling everybody about what we're building and doing all the set and all this conversation. You piped up. You're like ah, I should do a segment.

Anthony: I need to be in there. I need to throw man perspective for you.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah. Male perspective. So here you are.

Anthony: Oh, I mean, there's one way to encapsulate it, and I'm not going to use the word because I know we need to be PG but it's welcome to the show. You all should know that right now because it is a show.

Dr. Crockett: So the fun thing that we do about when we do the show is we always start off with a meal, and we sit in eat healthy food. We cook healthy food together, enjoy good conversation and laughs. We were having quite the conversation over meal preparation today. What’d we do, Italian today?

Anthony: We did Italian. I got a little taste of the vegan world because I'm a red blooded American Texan.

Dr. Crockett: Like steak and potatoes.

Anthony: Steak and potatoes. So I got introduced to it. It was actually very good. The meatballs that you made, I really couldn't tell the difference between the real ones and the vegan ones.

Dr. Crockett: That’s testimonial coming from you.

Anthony: It was really good. It was really good. I was laughing. I know I told you earlier, but we've got to say this. I was sitting back watching you make our meal and everything. I was thinking every day Monday through Friday or when you're operating, I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off making sure everything's right for Dr. Crockett. Making sure this is right. Making sure she doesn't have any problems. Blah, blah, blah. Today I was just sitting on my butt, and you were busting your rear cooking all this food. I thought it’s full circle. This is hilarious how full circle this is.

Dr. Crockett: I so enjoyed that. I so appreciate you doing that, by the way, because we don't always recognize the people behind the scenes that are doing all that stuff that makes surgery so easy for our patients. In fact, the patients don't even get to see you guys. So I think it's really an interesting thing to bring up on the show is just.

Anthony: Yeah, they never know.

Dr. Crockett: The amount of work that goes on behind the scenes. But yeah, it was kind of funny me sitting there doing all.

Anthony: You were just going a mile a minute. I was thinking this is so hilarious. She's waiting on me now. I loved it. I loved every part of it.

Dr. Crockett: Oh, thank you. It was fun. One of the conversations we had though when we were sitting down there was this conversation about being self-sufficient versus independent woman. So we started talking about the things on dating apps that we hate seeing or what makes –

Anthony: I will tell you ladies that are watching right now. Independent, and what was it, independent, self-sufficient, and I don't need a man. That's an instant red flag for a generation X military guy because we want to be needed. That's our whole persona as men is we want to be needed.

Dr. Crockett: Here we are thinking oh, we're independent women. We're strong. We’re not coming after you for your money.

Anthony: Right, right. It's completely the opposite. It's a red flag. It's a well, I don't even want to mess with you now. If you don't need a man, what the hell are you doing on a dating site?

Dr. Crockett: Well, maybe I want one.

Anthony: Right, and I understand. Your take on what you've said is one thing, but the male perspective of what you said is completely different. That's why, what is that crazy book that y’all love to reference all the time?

Dr. Crockett: The Mars and Venus one?

Anthony: Mars and Venus. We are definitely from Mars and Venus on everything.

Dr. Crockett: Well, that really makes dating difficult, especially after 50.

Anthony: It's horrible. I mean, I call it, and if anybody uses this I'm going to hashtag it, do it, whatever. I call it the interview process.

Dr. Crockett: Oh, that's a little sterile, don’t you think?

Anthony: But it is sterile. Isn't it sterile? You get on these apps, you start talking to one another. You start, how are you? What's your story? Blah, blah, blah. It's like you're interviewing for a job.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah.

Anthony: It really is. I call it the interview process. It's not, and texting. I know we all text nowadays, but texting relays no emotion whatsoever.

Dr. Crockett: I know. It's pretty difficult.

Anthony: Right? But then you have people that don't want to even talk on the phone. So if you don't want to talk on the phone.

Dr. Crockett: Then what are you even doing out there?

Anthony: Then what the heck are we here for. So I call it the interview process. It just seems like you go interview after interview after interview. None of them are even fruitful to even go on a date.

Dr. Crockett: Well, see, this is why I've pretty much ditched the apps. I'm like forget it. I'm just going to meet somebody in real life and figure it out.

Anthony: Okay. So I love that you said that. I'm going to meet somebody organically, right? I love that phrase.

Dr. Crockett: I didn’t even use that word, but yeah.

Anthony: I know, but yeah. The fact of it nowadays is what do you do if somebody approaches you in HEB?

Dr. Crockett: Oh, I'm pretty friendly.

Anthony: But a lot of people won't. I know you, and we know each other.

Dr. Crockett: Well, and my HEB is in my neck of the woods in my neighborhood. Yeah.

Anthony: Well, it seems like it’s the only way nowadays to meet anybody because everybody thinks oh my God, why are you talking to me? Because we’re all scared nowadays.

Dr. Crockett: It is a little difference, isn't it, because of all of the violence.

Anthony: Right, and all the bad things that happen. So then you're stuck on those stupid things.

Dr. Crockett: You know what else is different is when we get to know people in person, we kind of vet them and know their background. That completely is missing in the app. So you get on an app, and you get such a still of somebody that’s just like a snapshots that’s very highly cultivated. There's a lot of people that you wouldn’t be interested in if you were walking down the hall in a hospital.

Anthony: No, absolutely. That’s when, I love the filters. You've got the filters and the angles and the this and the that. It’s such a fake thing, I guess. That’s what you're talking about. You know somebody. You meet them organically. You have something upfront. These people on the apps, you have no idea what the heck you're getting. It’s a mystery box. One of those mystery box you buy. What are you going to get inside? You have no idea.

Dr. Crockett: So, I actually think that the dating apps have hit their peak. I think they're starting to get old.

Anthony: It’s made people cold nowadays, you know what I mean?

Dr. Crockett: Well, you forget that the person you're swiping on is a real person and not just an avatar.

Anthony: Like you said, going back to this. I always find this funny is if I do go on a date, you have to meet somebody somewhere, right? Now when you and I were growing up, and I understand. Believe me, I get it. I get the whole safety thing. I understand everything. But when you and I were a long time ago dating.

Dr. Crockett: Five years ago when we were growing up.

Anthony: Yeah. Five years. For you five years. For me, it was 25. If you didn’t pick a lady up for a date, you didn’t go to the door and ring the doorbell.

Dr. Crockett: That was bad manners.

Anthony: That was bad manners. Now you have to date for six months before you ever know where anybody lives.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah, well.

Anthony: You know what I'm saying though.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah, but true. It’s changed so much.

Anthony: It’s a whole different world. So at 50, I'm at a loss for everything.

Dr. Crockett: That’s interesting. Having to try to kind of rewrite the rules and try and understand.

Anthony: Right, understand anything that’s going on.

Dr. Crockett: Be so much more sensitive to upsetting somebody or crossing a boundary that you didn’t know was there.

Anthony: Right, you tell a joke in a text. Because you know me. Obviously everybody’s got a hint of who I am already. You know me. I might say something in a text that’s one thing, and it’s completely read as something totally different and offensive, and I didn’t mean it like that.

Dr. Crockett: Right. What is it that I said to you the other day? We’re always doing witty banter. I walked up to you, and I was like I'm having such a rough day. Give me some witty banter.

Anthony: Then I walked back in the room, and I said I have FD today. Funny dysfunction. I can't perform for you today. I don’t know. I'm just not having it today.

Dr. Crockett: I didn't even mean to put you on the spot like that, but it was so funny. It was a funny story. All right. So talk to me a little bit about mentorship versus the mansplaining kind of thing.

Anthony: So I think a lot of women, they'll ask you for your opinion, or they want you to help them with something. Then you give them what it is, and they think you're mansplaining, or you're being too misogynistic.

Dr. Crockett: So you can't win.

Anthony: You can't win either way. There's a lot of things in dating or in relationships, or like we said about the independent. I need a woman. I'm not gonna lie to you. I need a lady. There's a lot of time that you need someone, but a lot of people don't want to be needed anymore.

Dr. Crockett:  I think that's a really good point. I kind of blew it off when you said that downstairs when we were all sitting around the table eating because nobody says that anymore. Everybody is so focused on being their whole selves and not having to find their soulmate or their other half or you complete me. The you complete me thing kind of is like –

Anthony: That's awesome, though, don't you think? You complete me. Don't you think that’s awesome?

Dr. Crockett: It is in a way, isn't it?

Anthony: I really think that. Everybody's so focused on independence and this and don't need somebody. I mean, I think we all need somebody.

Dr. Crockett: You know what? I think that's a basic human.

Anthony: We're human.

Dr. Crockett: We're human. We're meant to interact with others and be in relationship.

Anthony: You need to interact with that one person, don't you?

Dr. Crockett: Well, yeah. I've done all of this work on myself. For a long time, I felt like I had to have a husband. Like I was missing something if I didn't have a man. I went through, I had long first marriage, divorced. Then very, very quickly married a second person had my second marriage, now divorced, hence the dating after 50 thing. But I was basically married for 30 years.

Those in between times right after the separations always felt like there was this hole. Like I was incomplete, or really needed a man. But one of the things that's happened in being single for three years now is, and just all of the growth that I've had during it, is I've lost that feeling. I feel like I can be happy single.

I can be happy as myself and whole and don't feel like I'm missing somebody. I think I'd love to have a relationship again, but I don't have that desperation of I've got to find somebody, which I think is giving me a little different perspective. Now it's like I can afford to be pickier because I don't have that angst about having to have somebody.

Anthony: Do you think you have an angst about our age? I'm not going to share your age with nobody because that's not what a gentleman does. But I mean, I kind of feel this weight of how old we are now. The playing field is like this now.

Dr. Crockett: The playing field is really interesting.

Anthony: It’s about this big.

Dr. Crockett: As we get older.

Anthony: We're running out of time. Are we gonna find this person, or are we going to be on the porch alone at 70 by ourselves? I feel really this weight of you got to interview. You’ve got to go on a date. Everything's got to be expedient.

Dr. Crockett: You know, I did feel that. I've felt that before. I don't anymore. I feel like I could be. Well, I think I just know so many older women that are in their 70s and 80s. Probably my aunt who's 85 now is a good example. They have female friendships, and they're not looking for marriages, and they're not sitting on the porch by themselves either. They've got their friends in relationship. I think I always thought that I wanted that marriage.

I never thought I'd be divorced. That was not where I came from. It was like you get married once and forever. So I definitely saw with both of my marriages that picture of growing old together. But now that I'm in this quite unexpected place, I would love to have the right person there. But if I'm the right person for me to be there as myself with my friends, I'm okay with that too. What it's done is let me let go of that anxiety. It's kind of that dating yourself thing.

Anthony: Oh lord. Here with the dating myself. Well, okay now is this a difference between a man and a woman?

Dr. Crockett: I think it might be.

Anthony: Because for a man, we need to be needed.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah, yeah.

Anthony: We need to be a provider.

Dr. Crockett: Appreciated.

Anthony: There's a cavemen thing hit you over the head, bring you into the cave kind of thing. Provide for you, bring home the dinosaur leg. I think maybe not so much the younger generation, but I know older men we need to be needed and need to provide.

Dr. Crockett: It’s a basic instinct.

Anthony: It’s a basic instinct for us. So when that's not there.

Dr. Crockett: What would the female equivalent be?

Anthony: Children.

Dr. Crockett: Which I have.

Anthony: Right, but taking care of your children kind of thing. Then as they get older, you miss that kind of thing.

Dr. Crockett: Yeah.

Anthony:  So I think a woman grows her children and then that's done. Then y'all can transition I just want to be with my friend and go to bingo kind of thing. Where a man all his life he feels he needs to provide and protect and, you know.

Dr. Crockett: Take care.

Anthony: Take care. So maybe that's that. Maybe that's why men don't say I'm good. I'm just gonna hang out with my buddies and go to bingo kind of thing.

Dr. Crockett: They don't, do they?

Anthony: They don't.

Dr. Crockett: Isn't this an interesting place where this interview wound up? This is not what I expected when we started out this interview.

Anthony: This is now what you told me to say.

Dr. Crockett: Anthony, thank you so much for joining us today. This is really awesome.

Anthony: Thank you, ma’am.

Dr. Crockett: You rock.

Anthony: Have a good day.

Thanks for listening to this episode of Becoming Virtuosa. To learn more, come visit us at DrCrockett.com, or find us on YouTube for the Dr. Crockett Show. If you found this episode helpful or think it might help someone else, please like, subscribe, and share. This is how we grow together. Thanks, and I'll see you next week. Love always, Sue.

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