Episode #26:

How to Feel Better with Donna Oborne

When we think about what we really want in life, so many of us think that we just want to feel better. There are a lot of people not feeling good right now, and with everything going on, it can be hard to stay positive. But we often believe that we’ll achieve happiness from circumstances outside of us, when really, we need to go within. That’s where today’s guest can help!

After her children grew up, certified Life and Weight Loss Coach Donna Oborne found herself lacking purpose. She entered the coaching industry because she wanted to learn how to feel better and have purpose in her work. She now helps other people live happier lives, and she’s here today to share some effective tips to help you feel better too!

Tune in this week where we’ll learn why our feelings and actions are a direct result of our thoughts. We’ll discuss why we have full control over how we feel and think, and share some effective techniques to help you process your emotions to live a happier, more fulfilled life. It’s time to become your own best friend!

WHAT YOU’LL DISCOVER

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How to get better at feeling your feelings.

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Why your thoughts create your feelings and how this affects your life.

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What the CTFAR model is and how to use it to feel better.

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Why your thoughts are often subconscious, and how to change that.

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How to get to know yourself on a deeper level and the importance of doing so.

FEATURED ON THE SHOW

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Check out more episodes of the podcast here!

TRANSCRIPT

Susan Crockett: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, the podcast, with Dr. Susan Crockett. You are listening to episode number 26: How to Feel Better. An interview with fellow Certified Life Coach, Donna Oborne. This episode is dedicated to Donna’s grandson, Kareem Oborne, who passed away April 1st.

Female Announcer: Welcome to Becoming Virtuosa, where women learn to love their lives. Do you find yourself frustrated by society’s expectations? Looking for practical advice on how to discover your talents and level up your life? You’ve found the right place. Here’s your host, US News top doctor, robotic surgeon and Certified Life Coach, Dr. Susan Crockett.

Susan Crockett: Hello, my virtuosas and my VITs, my virtuosas in training. How you all doing today? I am your host, Dr. Susan Crockett, as always, you can call me Sue because I’m not actually doctoring today. We are doing a little bit of talking and I’m talking with Donna Oborne today about how to feel better.

How to feel better, this is ironic because I’ve been feeling not so great this week, and I don’t know about you guys but this is kind of a tough time for us to be going through in the world. And there’s a lot of not feeling good, and I think that’s the opposite of how we are supposed to go through life even when bad stuff is happening. So we’re going to talk a little bit about how to feel better today. And I know you’re going to enjoy it. I had intended on doing, I think I told you all last week, I was going to do a teaching on healing all of the isms, racism, etc.

And I had an episode happen this week; I’ll call it an episode. I had an interaction this week, I thought I had dealt with all of this in my own life and personally I have not been on the receiving end of racism that much, but I have sexism and paternalism. And I thought I had worked through this and was emotionally sound about it. And then something happened this week, I got faced with a circumstance that’s supposed to be mutual, and you all, I lost my every living you know what, it was awful, it was ugly, it was ugly.

And in my mind, I’ve been working on this lecture for you guys about isms and so it made it worse because then I started hating on myself for how bad I was not handling this and how I thought I should be able to handle it. And any time we get to saying should, that causes a little bit of suffering. Anyway, so I am not ready to do that talk yet, so I have moved up Donna’s talk about how to feel better. I know you’re going to love listening to her this week, so without further ado here is Donna.

Alright, Donna, hey, how are you doing?

Donna Oborne: I’m doing great, thanks, Sue, and you?

Susan Crockett: It’s so great to have you here to talk with us. I’m great. It’s a beautiful day here in Texas. Where are you?

Donna Oborne: I’m in Bella Coola, BC, Canada.

Susan Crockett: Wow. Is it cooler than 105 degrees up there?

Donna Oborne: Oh my gracious, girl, we’ve had nothing but rain and yeah, it’s – I live in quite a remote community of a population, is about 2,000 people. It’s half First Nations, we call it First Nations, I think you call them Indians or Natives, and half non. And we’re like a five hour drive to the next larger community.

Susan Crockett: Wow. Well, awesome, well, welcome to the podcast. I can’t wait to see what you have to share with our listeners, what a unique perspective. How about if we start with you telling us your story, how did you get into coaching? And we’re going to talk about how to feel better today, how did you choose that topic as something that you like to work with people on?

Donna Oborne: I was pretty much a stay at home mom and I did work outside of the home but only as it would allow me to be that primary caretaker of our children. So I was a substitute teacher and fished with my husband etc. So in 2008, my children and grandchildren all seemed to be settled and weren’t in need of my hands-on support. And I found myself without purpose. And I just really wanted to feel better. And I thought it was because I lived in a really remote community and it was boring here.

And I thought it was because my husband didn’t want to move and that we really should move because I was bored. And I started looking for some help. I just wanted to feel better, I just felt lost. And I found Brooke Castillo, and the first podcast I listened to was how to feel better and it just made so much sense, that I joined Self Coaching Scholars. And soon after that she had offered the coach training online, the first one. And I thought I totally have to do this. And it just so…

Susan Crockett: So you were in the first online group?

Donna Oborne: Yeah, I was. Were you?

Susan Crockett: No, I certified at the end of last year, like the end of September.

Donna Oborne: Okay, yeah. So, October 2018 we started our training.

Susan Crockett: Sweet. So today we’re going to talk about how to feel better, and this is the topic that actually brought you to coaching. So what are you going to teach our listeners today about how to feel better?

Donna Oborne: You know, when you ask anyone, “What do you really want?” Most people say, “I just want to feel better,” of some sort, they might say…

Susan Crockett: I know, right?

Donna Oborne: Yeah. Like, “I just want to feel peace.” “I just want to feel content.” And the thing is, is that we think we’ll feel better if we get those things outside of us, if I just do this, if I just get that, if I just go on a holiday then I’ll feel better. But we know…

Susan Crockett: Or if I just get my husband to move because I’m bored, yeah, like you were thinking. But we learn different when we learn coaching, what do we learn?

Donna Oborne: We learn that it’s our thoughts that create our feelings. It’s not the things outside of us that create our feelings.

Susan Crockett: It’s our thoughts that come from within us. It’s so powerful.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, it is.

Susan Crockett: So you brought us a tool today to teach our listeners how to do this. I think this is something that, you know, there’s a lot of suffering that I see right now, not just in my practice, but with the Covid pandemic and people being in lockdown and suffering about lack of money or fear of being sick and losing people that they love. There is a lot of wanting to feel better right now because there’s a lot of not feeling great right now.

And I know my listeners have heard some of what we’re talking about in prior episodes. But I think what you’re bringing today is a really important basic tool for helping people feel better no matter what their situation or their circumstances are. So why don’t you go ahead and tell me a little bit about the tool that we’re going to talk about today.

Donna Oborne: Okay. So I thought it was really interesting to even answer the question, how can I feel better? And the answer is, is to get better at feeling. So how can I feel better? Get better at feeling.

Susan Crockett: Even if I’m feeling terrible, Donna?

Donna Oborne: Yes. And let me go a little further is how do you get better at feeling? Is to feel your feelings, and I think it’s really interesting…

Susan Crockett: Okay, so…

Donna Oborne: Just a second. If you even think about it is that feelings are for feeling. And when we ignore our feelings, when we try to resist or where we react or try to avoid them, then that’s when we suffer. That’s when we cause mental anguish, neurosis and also physical, it affects our physical health in an adverse way, because feelings are for feeling.

Susan Crockett: Wow. Yeah, but so many of us are running from them, especially those feelings we don’t want to feel, we’re thinking we shouldn’t feel that or things should be different so we don’t feel that.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, and that’s so...

Susan Crockett: So how do you practice feeling your feelings?

Donna Oborne: But before we even get there, it’s really interesting to know that feelings are created, we create our own feelings by things that we think, by thoughts that we think. So we know that when we think a thought, something happens in our brain and then it creates an electrical and chemical reaction, which I don’t fully understand. But I know it’s electrical and chemical, that then we experience as a vibration in our body. So when we even just look at…

Susan Crockett: Isn’t that fascinating?

Donna Oborne: Yeah. Even if we just look at it biologically, we have a thought and think of our brain as a computer going tic, tic, tic, putting things together. And then that’s what creates this vibration, we’re going to feel it in the body. What’s the big deal? Just feel the vibration.

Susan Crockett: Just let it feel. So what you’re talking about is a tool that our listeners have heard before from me and some of our other podcast interviews, the CTFAR model, which you’ve just outlined the TF part of it. But let’s just go back and review for our listeners what that CTFAR model is.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. And the C stands for the circumstance, and those are just the facts. Those are the things that we see outside like the weather, where we live, what somebody says, our past. Those are the things that are just – it’s just information, it’s just data.

Susan Crockett: What somebody said, right?

Donna Oborne: Yes.

Susan Crockett: Okay. Well, I’ll take the next one, so T is thinking, our thoughts our brain is creating and we have control and choice over our thoughts. We don’t always have control, sometimes they pop into my mind and I don’t think I have control. But the fact is that our thoughts are things that we have a choice to think or not, so that’s the T.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, and isn’t it interesting about the thought?

Susan Crockett: Then F.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, but even, I just want to add to the thoughts. They’re from the past; our thoughts are from the past. And we actually are choosing them but we’re choosing them unconsciously, and that’s what this work does is it creates awareness, these are my stored thoughts. This is what I’m thinking. This is what I’m believing is true. And like you said, it’s an option, it’s a choice.

Susan Crockett: We think thoughts about the circumstances. That’s the CT part, what’s the F?

Donna Oborne: F, that’s exactly what we’re going to talk about today. And that’s the vibration we experience in our body as a result of a thought that we think in our brain.

Susan Crockett: It creates our feelings.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, but a feeling starts in the brain and goes to the body, and which is different than a sensation, like the sensation of hunger, that would start a real hunger, that would start in the body and go to the brain. Or if you’re cold, that starts in the body and goes to the brain. But a feeling starts in the brain and goes to the body. And we are choosing how we feel and it’s totally under our control. It’s actually; it’s interesting just to…

Susan Crockett: Mind blowing.

Donna Oborne: It is and even if you just slow it all down and say, “It’s a learned behavior, it’s a learned response.”

Susan Crockett: Wow. And we can unlearn it if we’ve learned it?

Donna Oborne: Absolutely.

Susan Crockett: Cool. Okay, so that’s CTF, circumstances, thoughts, feelings, our feelings create the A, the A is our actions. So, all of our actions come out of our feelings that are generated by our thoughts about the circumstances. And then what’s the R, CTFAR?

Donna Oborne: The result is our experience of the circumstance. And we’ve created that result by the way that we choose to think, the way that we choose to feel, what we do or don’t do. And then that’s our experience. Maybe if we have a goal, something that we want to accomplish, that would be our result. It’s things that we end up doing or don’t do, it’s who we are being in this little story that we’ve created.

Susan Crockett: Got it, cool, okay, CTFAR, we got the whole model there. So tell us how we use this to feel better, tell us a little bit how our listeners can use the model to feel better.

Donna Oborne: Okay. And one thing that I like to use is that along with the model is even using the Serenity Prayer of God grant me the serenity or the peace to accept the things I cannot change. That’s our circumstance. And the courage to change the things that I can change, and what we can change is our TFAR. And to know that is – it says at the end of that is to know the difference and the wisdom to know the difference. So when we use the model…

Susan Crockett: The wisdom there.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. And when we use the model we separate, okay, what’s out of my control? The circumstance. Then we get peace. And then it does take courage to pay attention to what we’re thinking, it takes courage to feel our feelings. And I think that’s really interesting because when you think of it is that of emotions are just vibrations. And you can think of it say on a line, and on one end we call them negative emotions and on the other end it’s the positive emotions.

Susan Crockett: Right, yeah, we tend to label them that way.

Donna Oborne: Yes. But I think this is interesting, Sue, is that just because something is negative it doesn’t mean it’s bad.

Susan Crockett: Like an example, give me an example there.

Donna Oborne: Okay. I like to think of it as cold water. Water is cold, it can be ice cold and it can be hot or warm. That’s just a fact, it’s not good or bad, it just is. And I’m thinking of cold water as in jumping into a cold lake or a cold river.

Susan Crockett: Yeah, that doesn’t feel very good.

Donna Oborne: But that is just a thought, because we’ve discovered cold water is bad, I like warm water.

Susan Crockett: Right, okay.

Donna Oborne: And it’s the same thing with negative emotion, it’s all…

Susan Crockett: Like sadness?

Donna Oborne: Yeah, or disappointment, it’s just a vibration. And as long as we have this relationship with negative emotion, that it’s bad, that it can hurt me, we are going to want to avoid it. We are going to resist it.

Susan Crockett: And the minute we just go, it’s just water, I can just sit here in it, it’s okay. Then we get somewhere?

Donna Oborne: Yeah, then it’s not a big deal but it’s because – I think that intrinsically we do – when we feel a negative emotion its purpose is to alert us to something to pay attention to. That’s that part of our primitive brain, danger, danger. So, now we don’t have lions and bears – well, we do have bears around here, but – that are going to alert us to danger, it’s more a thought, like oh no, what if I don’t get it done or some kind of thought. What if they don’t like me? Whatever. That we are alarmed and we respond to.

But we have a relationship, I think if we take time and look at naturally I’m going to react to a negative emotion, but once we become aware of that we can go, “That’s a negative emotion, that’s a vibration. I can just feel it.”

Susan Crockett: So that’s one of the benefits that you talked about when we had been doing our discussion about this, you had said there’s some benefits. And that’s one of the things that you said is that it creates the awareness so that you can accept and allow, right?

Donna Oborne: Yes.

Susan Crockett: Can you go over the other benefits of learning the skill of processing our feelings and our emotions like that? You listed a couple more and I think they’re important.

Donna Oborne: When we really feel our emotions we get to know ourselves in a deeper way.

Susan Crockett: Wow.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, and then – but we always have to approach ourselves with kindness and interest. And when we just trust ourselves and don’t push ourselves, but just create that awareness, this is what I’m feeling. This is the vibration of disappointment. This is what it feels like. And we just become the watcher. So let’s even try the little exercise, and I’ll ask you Sue, and our listeners, is there something that you’re worried about? Is there something that you’re afraid of, that’s concerning? And then I just want you to notice in your body what does that vibration feel like?

Susan Crockett: Oh gosh. So for me it’s mostly in my gut, that saying that you feel something in your gut, it’s like real for me. It’s physical. It feels like a hollow or heavy, dull, not painful but just like almost nauseating kind of feeling in my middle of my stomach.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. And I just want you to – and sometimes it’s helpful to close your eyes because I just want you to keep tapping into your body and just feel that emotion. And I want you to breathe, just breathe into it, and sometimes you can even think of just moving toward it and move into it, and open up to it. And keep describing it to yourself. What does this vibration feel like? Is it moving?

Susan Crockett: Yeah, it’s kind of going up my throat and it kind of feels like a little bit of – tightening is not the right word, just it’s moving up my throat, like it’s trying to get out of my mouth, because it’s leaving my stomach. Isn’t that weird? Oh my goodness, yeah.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. And I want you to just soften your body and breathe into it. It’s just a vibration.

Susan Crockett: It’s gone. It’s already gone.

Donna Oborne: Amazing.

Susan Crockett: Wow, that was really cool, Donna, that didn’t even take long. Wow, that not being afraid of it, I could not – I could sit and perseverate on that for hours and feel it for hours. And you just made me like, just the paying attention to it and breathing into it. That was like a minute, not even, that was gone. That’s so cool. Okay, so that’s definitely one way to feel better. Do you have some other tips for our listeners about how to help ourselves feel better?

Donna Oborne: Well, even as sometimes like for you going back to where you were processing that emotion, because that’s what you were doing, rather than resisting or reacting to it. You were actually just opening up to it, and so just that whole thing of opening up to it, walking into it.

Another little thing that I like to do in processing the emotion is increase it, increase the intensity of it, intention, because then we’re creating more authority over it. We’re not in it; we’re teaching our body and our brain that I’m creating this emotion with my thought. My thought is creating this emotion. And just one other little thing that I like to do when I’m actually feeling the emotion is as you were doing. Describe it and breathe into it, and relax your body, is to even say, “I’m creating this vibration with my mind.”

Susan Crockett: Say that again.

Donna Oborne: I’m creating this vibration with my mind. My thought is creating this emotion. So that I’m teaching myself over and over again that I’m the one that’s creating and choosing this emotion, not a big deal, it’s just a vibration.

Susan Crockett: Having that awareness, that is awesome. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show today and teaching our listeners about this. If you were to wrap this up with like one primary nugget you want them to take away from this, what would you say that is? What’s the takeaway, Donna?

Donna Oborne: Well, I think it is become your own best friend, is begin to…

Susan Crockett: I love that.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, is begin to notice yourself and pay attention. And our emotions are what’s crying out to us for our attention. Our emotions are calling us home. And because – you know that saying, “Wherever we go there we are?”

Susan Crockett: There we are, yeah, it gets me every time.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. And one little thing…

Susan Crockett: Awesome.

Donna Oborne: Just one little thing to squeeze in here that I’ve just started doing is looking at myself in the mirror, a disclosure, bare naked. And telling myself I love you, you look good. And just talking to myself…

Susan Crockett: Those are such kind words.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. And even touch your heart. Touch your heart and say, “I love you.” And that creates that connection.

Susan Crockett: To yourself, and loving yourself.

Donna Oborne: Yeah.

Susan Crockett: Very powerful. Awesome. Well, thanks Donna, I’m going to let you do something that I don’t usually have my guests do, because I just think it’s going to be fun. I am going to let you do the what we’re listening to, what we’re reading and what we’re watching segment. I’m going to flip it upside down though. I want you to start by telling everybody what you watched this week? What’s on your mind on Netflix this week?

Donna Oborne: Well, it’s so interesting, last night my husband and I watched this movie on Netflix; it’s called Nobody Knows I’m Here. And it’s about a man who when he was a youngster he had a very good singing voice but it was deemed that his body was not appropriate. And so what they did is they used his singing voice and they dubbed it onto an acceptable body. And this other person…

Susan Crockett: Wow.

Donna Oborne: Yeah, this other person then became very famous, that just traumatized him. And so then he became a recluse and it was as a result of this woman who accidentally found him. And just was interested and kind and didn’t force herself on him, was just interested in him. And he began to open up. And I think it began to experience some healing.

And I think that that’s so depicted, just the friend that we can be to ourselves, is just be kind and don’t be in a hurry. And notice and make that connection with yourself, because the more connected you are with yourself the more we can connect with others and be who we’re meant to be.

Susan Crockett: That’s awesome, so that’s called Nobody Knows I’m Here on Netflix?

Donna Oborne: Yes.

Susan Crockett: That’s so cool. And then for reading, I think you picked one of my favorites which is Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Donna Oborne: Yes.

Susan Crockett: I love that. Yeah. And then tell us about what you’re listening to as far as music; you have a special treat for our audience.

Donna Oborne: Well, it’s kind of interesting. It was actually reading Elizabeth Gilbert and she said, “What do you love doing so much that the word failure and success essentially becomes irrelevant? What do you love even more than you love your own ego?” And it was funny, when I read that, the first thing that came up was singing. I just like singing. And what I’ve always done is when I’m trying to learn something new then I’ll put a melody to a concept, so that I can learn it and meditate on it. So this is one that I created, okay, Confidence…

Susan Crockett: Go for it.

Donna Oborne: Okay, and it’s called Confidence. Confidence is knowing I’m great, and not great, I am strong and I’m weak. I’m giving and I’m selfish, I’m talented, I’m ignorant. I’m kind and I’m mean. I’m all these things and it’s okay. I’m striving to become more loving, more patient, more gracious, more capable, but none of my shortcomings a reason not to be confident. I love all parts of me. I’m just a girl trying her best and I choose to love me as I am, I am. Confidence is knowing I’m great and not great. And then it goes on and on, but I must tell you…

Susan Crockett: That’s beautiful.

Donna Oborne: I must tell you, I took those words from Jody Moore and when I heard…

Susan Crockett: She’s one of the master certified coaches from the Life Coach School.

Donna Oborne: Yeah. Yeah. And I love this because it’s such a balance, oh yeah, get over it, we’re not perfect, and that’s what confidence is.

Susan Crockett: Awesome. Thank you so much Donna. That was great, you have such a sweet voice and thanks for sharing that with us and for coming on the podcast today. You have a wonderful day and I’ll see you later.

Okay. So what we have shown you today, we have shown you literally how to feel your feelings, how to process a feeling and in doing so how to feel better. Because so often what we do is the opposite of feeling our feelings, we repress them, or run away from them. So I hope today’s episode really helps you. I’d like for you to practice this week actually not being afraid of feeling those vibrations in your body and feeling those feelings and processing them.

And I’m going to take another crack at doing the isms lecture for you guys for next week. So I’m looking forward to that. So I will see you next week in episode 27.

That’s all I’ve got today my virtuosas. Go be a light to the world and feel all those feelings, the good ones, the bad ones and make the world a better place for yourself and others. Love always, Sue.

Female Announcer: Thanks for listening to this episode of Becoming Virtuosa. If you want to find out more, come check out virtuosacoaching.com. That’s virtuosa - with an A - coaching.com. See you next week.

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